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Valuable Information:

The Fear-Shame
Dynamic Between Women and Men

Article by Dr. Steven
Stosny

The Fear-Shame Dynamic
Between Women and Men

by
Dr. Steven Stosny

There is a survival-based mechanism observed
in most social animals, in which fear and
anxiety of female members of the pack serve as
an automatic alarm system to stimulate
aggressive-protective behavior in the
males. (The better sense of smell and hearing
of females makes them more sensitive to danger and
more suited to be social alarms.) When the females
get scared, the stronger males form a
defensive/aggressive perimeter around the
endangered pack.

The human brain is more socially structured
than that of any other animal. In us, this
primitive interactive mechanism takes more
complicated forms that secretly undermine
relationships.

Emotions are now known to be transferred
at speeds of 0.4 seconds, far faster that
mental awareness.

Confronted with the anxiety or fear of a
woman, a man typically responds with
protection/support. But if he does not know how to
protect/support or feels like a failure as a
protector, he is likely to turn the aggression
onto her (usually in the form of criticism,
"superior reasoning," control, etc.) or another
reaction might be to rein it in by
withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going
quiet).

Similarly, this anger or withdrawal by
men often stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation
in women, even if his anger or withdrawal has
nothing to do with her.

In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be
critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he
experiences or is trying to avoid the experience
of failure as a provider, protector, or lover.

In general, a woman is likely to be critical,
defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or
is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm,
isolation, or deprivation.

If the couple does not understand this
unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will
think they have a "communication" problem and will
likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in
each other as they try to talk. They will begin to
think that they have a bad, insensitive, or
selfish partner, and eventually give up on the
relationship without understanding the primitive
emotional mechanism that did the real damage.

The best way to disarm the fear-shame dynamic
is to recognize when it occurs, which is just
about every time you feel bad about interacting
with each other. Identify it as something
that is happening to both of you, rather
than pain that one person is inflicting on the
other. Declare that your connection is important
to you.

If you make a connection, the fear-shame
dynamic deactivates. If you are connected, you can
solve the problem that activated it. (Usually it's
money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or control
issues.)

If you remain disconnected, even your
well-meaning and highly skilled attempts to solve
the problem will run a high risk of accidentally
stimulating more fear or shame in your partner.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Steven Stosny is a
therapist, researcher, and author, who is
very successful dealing with criminal abusers.
His recent insightful and helpful book on
marriages explaining the above fear and shame
dynamic is:

How to Improve Your
Marriage Without Talking About It
__________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

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