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Why Do Men
Stonewall in Distressing
Situations?

Article by Gary
Thomas

Why Do Men Stonewall in
Distressing Situations?
by Gary
Thomas

When a woman doesn't
understand the way a male brain works, she risks
behaving in a way that will create an extremely
destructive male response. That response is
something that researchers call "stonewalling".

Stonewalling describes how men may shut down
emotionally and verbally, ignoring you (or anyone
else, even another man) and essentially
withdrawing from the conversation.

Understandably, few things irritate women
more than being tuned out. Women are designed for
communication and their bodies reward them with a
chemical called oxytocin when they are sharing
with another person. However, men are not designed
this way and it is a stereotypical male action to
"tune out" when he is in an emotionally
uncomfortable situation. Why is that?

A biological reason helps to explain
what's going on: The male cardiovascular system
remains more reactive than the female and slower
to recover from stress. Marital confrontation and
stress activates his body for vigilance and it
actually takes a greater physical toll on the
male.

Therefore, it's no surprise that men are much
more likely than women to attempt to avoid
conflict and distressing situations.

Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of
Boys , warns that most men don't
immediately like to talk through distressing
emotional events of any kind (frustrations at
work, issues in relationships, or disappointments
in life). This is because talking about such
issues usually brings them cognitive discomfort.
In other words, it hurts men to talk through
hurtful experiences!

For women, talking through hurtful
experiences can be very helpful and physically
comforting because of the release of oxytocin.
Because of the way the female brain works (with
the release of oxytocin), talking through
emotional issues has a calming effect.

The opposite is true for most men. Such
discussions of emotional experiences can create
anxiety and distress. Women probably feel soothed
by talking through problems. However, for men, it
can feel like torture. That's why men sometimes
tune out, i.e. stonewall. It's a desperate (though
admittedly unhealthy) act of self-defense for
them.

When women come to understand
this information, it can be very useful in their
relationships. A verbal barrage back and forth
will take much more out of her husband than it
does out of her and besides that, it will take him
longer to recover from such an episode.

This research helps explain why women who
react when a man is struggling with his emotions
by criticizing him, complaining, or displaying
contempt will actually have the opposite result
than what she wants. Women desire to effectively
communicate with their men, but understanding how
they are designed differently is very important
rather than assuming he "should" be like her.

Instead of reacting with fury to a
stonewalling husband, it's best for a woman to
think about taking a breather and asking herself,
"Why is my husband tuning me out?" The answer may
have something to do with the way that he, being a
man, is experiencing the emotional stress of the
situation. If a woman reacts to a
stonewalling husband with the same behavior
that he is reacting to by the
stonewalling, she'll only reinforce it.

Some good advice is to be gentle, be patient,
and give him time.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Content
taken from Sacred Influence: How
God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their
Husbands by Gary Thomas with some editing
by Jim Stephens.  Published by Zondervan
Publishing.

_________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

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