Daily
Tips from The Marriage
Library

Valuable Information:

How Women Can Improve Their
Communication
with Men WITHOUT
TALKING

By Dr. Steven Stosny and Dr. Pat
Love

How Women Can Improve Their
Communication with Men.

When Pat did
the research for her book with Jo Robinson, Hot
Monogamy: How to Achieve a More Intimate
Relationship with Your Partner , she interviewed 1,500 couples
regarding relationships. Several surprising pieces
of information came out of that research, and
three of them are very relevant to our new book,
How to Improve
Your Marriage Without Talking About
It
.

1. Most women do not
understand how much it pleases a man to please a
woman, specifically how important it is to the
man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a
man does not simply want to please her - he
lives to please her.

2. Woman can easily see
how frightening men are to them because of the
threat of physical abuse, but they do not see
their own power to evoke
shame.

3. What women often
interpret as withdrawn, uncaring men, for the
most part, are men overwhelmed by the criticism
and unhappiness coming from their
partners.

Many women have no clue how critical
and demeaning they are to men. When confronted
with their critical behavior, the most common
reaction is disbelief. "I'm just trying to make
him a better person!"-that is, more thoughtful,
considerate, responsible, reliable, and so
on.

Reflecting on this fact,
Pat thought it might be interesting to list 101
ways to shame a man without trying. Off the top of
her head, she came up with well over fifty ways
that she herself had done so, inadvertently or
otherwise, in her own relationships. Here are a
few:

* Excluding him
from important decisions: "I told my sister we
would vacation with them this
year."

* Robbing him of
the opportunity to help (by over functioning and
overdoing): "Don't bother-I'll do
it."

* Correcting what
he said: "It was last Wednesday, not
Thursday."

* Questioning his
judgment: "Are you going to cook those eggs one
at a time?"

* Giving
unsolicited advice: "If you would just make the
call you'll feel better."

* Ignoring his
advice: "This is woman's stuff-you really don't
know anything about it."

* Implying inadequacy:
"I wish you had been at that workshop with me"
(not because he would have enjoyed it but
because it would have "corrected some of his
flaws").

* Making unrealistic
demands of his time and energy: "After you
rotate the tires and paint the shed, I want you
to listen to how my day was."

* Overreacting (which
is a form of criticizing his choices or
behavior): "I can't believe you voted for
him!"

* Ignoring his needs
(basically sending the message that they're not
important): "You're not that tired; anyway,
having company will give you energy."

* Focusing on what I
didn't get, not what I did: "It would have been
better if you'd said 'I'm sorry' to begin
with."

* Withholding
praise: "Well, it's your job to mow the
lawn."

* Using a harsh
tone: "I am so tired of this!"

* Valuing others' needs
over his: saying to a friend, "Oh, he's not too
tired to come pick you up and then take you back
home after we have a nice visit."

* Undermining his
wishes: Saying to a relative: "I agreed to have
a quiet Thanksgiving, but if you invite us, he
couldn't say no."

* Condescending: "You
did an okay job picking out your
shirt."

* Name-calling: "You're
such a negative person."

* Belittling his work:
"Just what is it you do all day?"

* Showing little or no
interest in his interests: "I can't imagine what
you see in that."

* Criticizing his
family: "Your sister didn't even offer to help
clean up the kitchen!"

* Ignoring him:
Choosing friends over his company.

* Interpreting him:
"What you really meant when you said you were
tired is that you don't want to listen to
me."

* Comparing: "The
neighbor's yard sure looks nice."

* Dismissing: "I have
to work" (implying he doesn't)

* Focusing on my own
unhappiness: "I can't live this
way."

* Expecting him to
make me happy: "If we just did more fun things
together..."

* Making "you"
statements: "You make me so mad I can't think
straight!"

* Globalizing: "Men are
not capable of understanding!"

* Generalizing: "You're
always criticizing me."

* Therapizing: "You are
trying to make up for your father."

* Projecting my
unhappiness on him: "I feel bad when I don't
talk, so you can't possibly feel okay if you're
this quiet."

Other shaming favorites
of women include:

* Believing they
always know what's best for the
relationship

* Rolling
eyes

* Giving "the
look"

* Being sarcastic

* Ridiculing

* Suggesting a "better
way"

* Having unrealistic
expectations

* Criticizing him in
front of other people

* Making him feel
unnecessary

If you are a woman
reading this and thinking "I don't shame," you may
be right.

But just to make sure, check it
out with the men in your life. It's best not to
ask directly. Don't say, "Do I criticize?" or "Do
I shame you?" That's like asking "Does my butt
look big in this dress?" No guy in his right mind
is going to give you a straight answer. Instead,
ask: "What are some of the different ways I
criticize or shame you?"

________________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

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How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking
About It

Hot Monogamy: How to Achieve a More Intimate
Relationship with Your Partner

Jim
Stephens
The Marriage
Library

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