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Simple Changes Can Lead to a
Much Happier Marriage

Interview with Ellen Wachtel, PhD,
JD

Simple Changes Can Lead
to a Much Happier Marriage

Interview with Ellen Wachtel, PhD, JD

Couples who are dissatisfied with their
marriages don't have to resign themselves to
lifelong misery... or get divorced. Often, simple
changes can turn around even the most troubled
marriage.

Insight: Recognize that
things you have been doing haven't been working.

Change: Stop doing some of
the little wrong things... and start doing
what creates good feelings.

This sounds simple -- and it is. But many
couples keep nagging, criticizing, shouting --
even while recognizing that those behaviors only
make things worse.

It takes only one person to break the vicious
cycle of hurt. Here are some strategies to improve
any marriage... (It also applies to other
relationships as well. - Jim)

REMEMBER THE GOOD
TIMES

To stay motivated through tough times, think
back to better days. What first attracted you to
your spouse?

Now -- look to see those qualities in your
spouse again. The more you pay attention to
glimmers of positive feelings, the more positive
feelings you will have.

COMPLIMENT
GENEROUSLY

We feel closest to people who make us feel
good about ourselves. If you say and do things
that build up your partner -- and avoid things
that make him/her feel worse -- your relationship
will improve.

Of course, when your marriage is stressed,
complimenting your spouse may be the last thing
you feel like doing. It's much easier to think of
all the things he/she is doing wrong.

Remember: People don't
change because they're criticized. They change
when warmth and goodwill motivate them to please
their spouse... or to make their spouses
happier.

Train yourself to notice the things you
admire about your spouse -- no matter how small.
Then tell your spouse.

If this still seems difficult, think about
how parents behave. They may be frustrated or
disappointed with their kids -- but they still
find ways to acknowledge their good qualities.
Adults need this as much as children.

Don't fake admiration. Compliment your spouse
on things you admire.

Examples: I was really impressed with the way
you negotiated our lease... That was a delicious
meal -- you're a great cook.

WARM YOUR PARTNER'S
HEART

Early in your relationship, you probably made
a point of learning what actions made your partner
feel cared for -- and you did them.
When a
marriage is under stress, spouses stop making
these loving gestures... and resentment grows.

Look for opportunities to do special things
for your partner.

Examples: Make your spouse a morning cup of
tea... offer to watch the kids so your spouse can
spend an evening with friends.

PRAISE SMALL
CHANGES

Your partner may take a while to notice that
you're acting differently -- and even longer to
respond with loving gestures of his/her own.

Be patient. Try to notice any small steps in
the right direction. Praising these improvements
will encourage your spouse to continue making
them.

Example: A wife was upset that her husband
was always late for dinner. As she made changes to
make the relationship more affectionate, he
continued to come home late -- but started calling
to tell her. She thanked him when he called ahead,
resisting the urge to add, "I wish you would come
home on time." Within a few weeks, he began to
arrive at dinnertime.

DON'T PUT OFF SEX

Many couples avoid sex when they are having
marriage problems because they feel emotionally
distant. Yet sex can help couples feel closer.

If you're not in the mood, make love anyway.
Don't think of it as something you are doing for
the marriage... but as something that will make
you feel good.

POSITIVE ANGER

All this talk about positive communication
doesn't mean that you should bury what bothers
you. But express complaints in a constructive way.
For example:

Raise your complaint when you are not
feeling angry about it. This will help you
keep your tone calm -- and prevent a nasty
fight.

Start with something positive. Your
partner is more likely to listen if you
acknowledge what he/she is doing right.

Keep it short. Don't say more than a
sentence or two before giving your partner a
chance to respond. If you spend a lot of time
detailing your point of view, your partner is
likely to feel that you are lecturing -- and will
stop listening.

Don't use past hurts to illustrate your
gripe. Your spouse will feel that he/she can
never stop paying for what went wrong in the past.
Keep examples current.

Avoid your partner's alarm buttons.
Words like "abusive" are overused -- and
offensive. So are psychological interpretations
such as, "You're overreacting because your mother
is so controlling."

Listen nondefensively. Instead of
rebutting what your partner says, search for some
small part with which you agree.

Example: Your partner says, The minute you
walk in the house, you're grumpy. All you do is
criticize me.

Ineffective response: That's not true. Two
days ago, I sat down and had a drink with you.
Don't you remember?

Better: I do feel tense when I come
home.

Nondefensive listening stops an argument
quickly... so you can work on a solution together.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ellen Wachtel, PhD, JD, is a psychologist and
marital therapist in private practice in New York
City. She is author of We Love Each Other,
but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your
Relationship and Make Love Last (St. Martin's).

________________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

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We
Love Each Other, BUT... Simple Secrets to Strengthen
Your Relationship and Make Love Last

Jim
Stephens
The Marriage
Library

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