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John Gottman's Marriage Tips
101

Article from http://www.gottman.com/

John Gottman's
Marriage Tips 101

Since 1973, Dr. John
Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and
disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the
general public took part in long-term studies, and
Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail,
what makes them succeed, and what can make
marriages a source of great meaning.

By examining partners'
heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk
about their relationship to each other and to
other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with
more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it,
and which will not.

What advice does Dr.
Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top
suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.

Seek help
early. The average couple waits six
years before seeking help for marital problems
(and keep in mind, half of all marriages that
end do so in the first seven years). This means
the average couple lives with unhappiness for
far too long.

Edit
yourself. Couples who avoid saying
every critical thought when discussing touchy
topics are consistently the happiest.

Soften your
"start up." Arguments first "start up"
because a spouse sometimes escalates the
conflict from the get-go by making a critical or
contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.
Bring up problems gently and without blame.

Accept
influence. A marriage succeeds to the
extent that the husband can accept influence
from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to
work Thursday night? My mother is coming that
weekend, and I need your help getting ready,"
and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and
I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky
marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced
by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial
because research shows women are already well
practiced at accepting influence from men, and a
true partnership only occurs when a husband can
do so as well.

Have high
standards. Happy couples have high
standards for each other even as newlyweds. The
most successful couples are those who, even as
newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior
from one another. The lower the level of
tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a
relationship, the happier the couple is down the
road.

Successful
couples know how to exit an argument.
Happy couples know how to repair the situation
before an argument gets completely out of
control. Successful repair attempts include:
changing the topic to something completely
unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner
with a caring remark ("I understand that this is
hard for you"); making it clear you're on common
ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in
marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have
to yield to win); and, in general, offering
signs of appreciation for your partner and his
or her feelings along the way ("I really
appreciate and want to thank you for...."). If
an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute
break, and agree to approach the topic again
when you are both calm.

Focus on the
bright side. In a happy marriage, while
discussing problems, couples make at least five
times as many positive statements to and about
each other and their relationship as negative
ones.  For example, "We laugh a lot;" not,
"We never have any fun".  A good marriage
must have a rich climate of positivity. Make
deposits to your emotional bank account.

If  you'd like to
test your relationship click on relationship quizzes.  And for
anyone who wants their relationship to attain its
highest potential, check out our new DVD/Video Workshop for Couples, The Art
& Science of Love (click
here).

________________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

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