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Hold Me Tight

Article from Dr. Sue
Johnson

This article is by Dr.
Sue Johnson who is recognized for her pioneering
efforts in "attachment theory" and "the science of
love". Her Emotionally Focused Couple
Therapy has the highest success rate (~75%)
of any therapy which compares to about 30% for all
others.

Her new book, Hold Me Tight: Seven
Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, is
profound and easy to read, but scholarly. Read
excerpts, reviews, and watch a video on her
website.  http://www.holdmetight.net/
_________________________________________________

Hold Me
Tight

By Dr. Sue
Johnson

We know that financial
stress drags marriages down. Money and how to
manage it is a sure source of conflict in many
couple relationships- and this was clear even
before the present market melt down. A 2006 study
in Money magazine found that 15% of couples fought
about money several times a month.

Even in strong marriages,
stressors such as job losses, salary cuts or
working longer hours can trigger angry outbursts
of frustration or numbed out silences that quickly
take a marriage into the danger zone.

Do we even have time for
building a resilient marriage anymore? As
financial and career pressures increase, giving
time and attention to your marriage also gets
harder and harder. Just as we all need a little
more loving consolation and support from our
partner, it seems to be harder to
find.

But some relationships
seem to be able to weather storms like this just
fine! What is the secret to being able to stand
together and ride the waves life throws at us all,
whether it's a sick kid or a medical diagnosis or
a lay-off?

The new science of
love gives us a very clear message that
resilience, both personal and in a relationship,
is all about the strength of our bond - the
quality of our emotional connection with the
people we love.

Let's look at a couple of
dramatic examples. First, a study of Israeli
prisoners of war who had been isolated and
tortured found that the men who could call on
their sense of being loved by their partner, could
actively use this felt sense of being loved in
their prison cell to give themselves hope and the
courage to fight on.

Evidence is that just
thinking of our loved ones triggers a cuddle
hormone called oxytocin in our brains and this
hormone gives us a sense of calm contentment and
turns off the stress hormones that are keeping our
brain on high alert. But the securely attached
Israeli prisoners not only engaged in imaginary
conversations with their wives in their prison
cells, they were able to recover faster and more
completely once they were released!

This kind of research is
just part of the growing evidence we are not built
to face stress and anxiety alone.

Our most basic instinct,
which is to reach for someone we love when things
get rough, is our most powerful survival skill.
The touch of someone we love literally calms the
jittery neurons in our brain.

In another study, women
lying in an MRI machine, who were told they were
about to be receive an electric shock, were able
to use the touch of their husband's hand to calm
the stress centers in their brains and lessen the
pain of the shock. After all these years we are
literally finding proof for the power of love
!!!!!

In our work with those
who constantly find themselves in harms way,
policemen, firemen and military couples, we have
learned that the most effective antidote to
stress, ongoing fear, and catastrophe is a safe
haven bond with a partner.

What do these couples
learn to do that we can apply to our relationships
when monetary crises hit?

1.
Partners can learn to offer, the most precious
gift of all - themselves and their caring when
their partner needs comfort. Often we try to "fix"
our partners anxiety or pain with advice or ideas
about what he or she should do. This usually
backfires. What our partner needs from us,
especially when he or she is filled with
uncertainty, is emotional closeness and support.
So saying, "This is so hard. I know you are
scared, but I am here and we can do this
together," isn't just kindness, it has the ability
to turn off the alarm centers in your partner's
brain. Your very emotional presence is
reassuring.

2. Holding up a loving
mirror to our partner is key. We so often blame
ourselves when bad things happen: "If only I had
worked harder or taken that other job, or invested
in different things." Our partner's compassion is
an antidote to this kind of self-criticism.
If he or she can tell us that we did the best we
could and what had happened is not our fault, we
can sometimes accept that
ourselves!

3. We can learn to
pinpoint the emotional triggers that can move us
into agitation and irritability or into numbing
out and distancing. These moves always impact your
partner and make it harder for him or her to
support you. They create distance in your
relationship.

Jim is able to tell his wife, "I just got
caught in the Gloom thing again and so I got
irritable with you acting happy just now. I
don't want us to get into our, I complain while
you get exasperated and move away routine. I
don't want this stress to come in between us.
Maybe I just need to talk to you."

4. Asking for what you
need. The last comment Jim makes here is the real
key to dealing with stress in our relationships;
to be able to turn to your partner and ask for
what you need. This is an act of strength and
courage. You ask for the emotional support and
reassurance you need. Each time you can do this
and your partner can respond, you are building a
safe haven relationship that no stressor can
destroy. We know that when partners can do this
they are stronger and more confident as
individuals and they create stronger more loving
bonds.

When we are in trouble
and face an unpredictable future, this is when we
need our love relationships the most. Our 25 years
of research with couples tells us that when we can
stand together we can face any crisis that shows
up - if we just hold each other tight.

And by the way, secure
lasting marriages are good for the economy.
Married folks are healthier, and those who are
married are able to pool resources and so have
more wealth and economic assets. On the other side
of the coin, a recent research report estimates
the cost of a divorce for American society as a
whole at about $25,000 from factors such as the
need for subsidized housing or lower tax revenue.

A small improvement in
the health of our marriages would, the experts
agree, not only help us cope better with the
economic crisis but result in enormous savings for
tax-payers. But, for most of us, the most pressing
point is that attending to and turning to your
relationship is the investment you can make - the
best way to save yourself and your sanity in any
economic downturn.

If we have each other, we
have a life-raft in the
storm.

________________________________________________

God bless your marriage and
family.

Jim
Stephens

Click on the
picture  to watch Dr. Johnson for 5
minutes.

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Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime
of Love

Book
Reviews

View Hold Me Tight (as originally
published in Psychology Today, January, 2009)

Read Review in Family Psychologist
Volume 25 No.1 Winter, 2009

Read Review on
About.com: Dating

Read Review on
MyShelf.com

View Article on
The Huffington Post

Jim
Stephens
The Marriage
Library

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