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Valuable Information:

I
know he needs to pull away,
but why does it hurt so
badly?

Article by Dr. John
Gray

I know he needs
to pull away, but why does it hurt so
badly?

By Dr. John Gray, taken
from http://www.marsvenus.com/

Learning to understand the Martian (male)
need to go into his "cave" can be an emotional
challenge for many women.

Female readers at MarsVenus.com tell us that
they intellectually understand why a man needs to
go to his "cave", but that it feels awful. Before
a relationship can feel truly fulfilling to a
woman, she needs to learn how to make peace with
this very necessary male behavior.

When a man is upset or stressed, he will
automatically stop talking and go to his "cave."
No one else is allowed in that cave, not even his
best friends.

This does not mean that there is a problem in
the relationship; it simply means that he has a
problem he is trying to solve and he isn't ready
to talk about it, or ask for help. In fact, asking
for help is the last thing a man in his cave would
do because he is in there trying to solve the
problem on his own.

Remember, male self-esteem is based in part
on his ability to solve problems, and accomplish
the things necessary to be a good man, a good
husband, and/or a good father. Once he has enough
time to either come to a solution, or he realizes
that he needs assistance, he will come out.

Once a man has finished with his cave and
returns to his partner, his partner often expects
him to instantly to become open, responsive and
loving. This is as unrealistic as expecting a
woman who is upset to immediately calm down and
make complete sense.

Men generally need some time to warm up to
their emotions after spending time on the very
Martian side of their brain, working on whatever
was troubling them. Women can assist men in this
process by giving them some space before talking
about whatever is on her mind. Sometimes this is
not possible but, whenever she can, a woman will
achieve more harmony in her relationship if she
allows him to open to her at his own pace.

Men generally appreciate this acceptance of
their maleness and will reward a woman with more
of what she needs when he is able.

Conflict is often created because men and
women have opposing needs when a man experiences
stress.

In relationships, the following things often
happen:

* One of the biggest mistakes a woman makes
is to believe that she can bust down the door to a
man's cave and offer to help him with his
problems. In fact, by asking him to talk about his
problems before he is ready, she may inadvertently
upset him more, which will cause him to want to
stay in the cave longer.

* It is a woman's natural tendency to want to
nurture her man when he has a problem. She wants
to draw him out and get him to talk. She may ask
several times, "What is bothering you? I know
there is something wrong." and each time he will
answer, "I'm fine, it's nothing."

* She may feel so rejected after several
unsuccessful attempts that she finally says, "You
just don't love me. How can you treat me like
this? You never talk to me anymore." At this
point, he loses control and begins saying things
that he will regret later. This is where, whoosh!
-- his fire-breathing dragon emerges and she gets
burned.

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is
powerless to give his partner the quality of
attention that she deserves. He doesn't talk about
his problems and instead will turn on the TV, read
a magazine, or go out to shoot some hoops, leaving
the woman to feel totally ignored.

She can tell he is upset but
mistakenly assumes that he doesn't care
about her because he isn't talking to her about
whatever is bothering him. It's almost as if an
instinct takes over that says that before you can
take care of anybody else, you must first take
care of yourself. Unfortunately, women often
become resistant and resentful toward a man when
he reacts this way.

A woman may also become demanding when asking
for his support during this time, as if she has to
fight for her rights with this uncaring man. What
works better is for a woman to remember that a
man's reaction to stress is a coping mechanism and
in no way reflects how he feels about her. By
cooperating with him, instead of resisting his
behavior, she will get what she needs.

How to support a man in his cave:

* Don't disapprove of his need to withdraw.

* Don't try to help him solve his
problem by offering solutions.

* Don't try to nurture him by asking
questions about his feelings.

* Don't sit next to the door of the cave
and wait for him to come out.

* Don't worry about him or feel sorry for
him.

* Do something that makes you happy.

A man should never give up going into his
cave in an attempt to make a woman happy or to
reassure her. If he gives up the cave, denying his
true nature, he will become irritable, overly
sensitive, defensive, weak, passive or mean. To
make matters worse, he won't even know why he has
become so unpleasant.

So, women: when your man goes into his cave,
try to catch up on some reading, get a massage, or
do some shopping. Be good to yourself and let your
man have his cave time. By supporting him while he
is in the cave and taking care of your needs, you
will not only avoid getting burned but also assist
him in coming out of the cave
sooner.
_________________________________________________

God
bless your marriage and family.

Jim
Stephens

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Jim Stephens

Jim
Stephens
The Marriage
Library

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