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Do Men And
Women Instinctively Know How To Support Each
Other?

Article by Dr. John
Gray

Do Men And Women
Instinctively Know How To Support Each
Other?

By Dr. John Gray, taken from http://www.marsvenus.com/

Exploring the Home Improvement Committee...

New information that is proving tremendously
helpful is that there is a big difference between
men's and women's problem solving strategies.

This article takes a look at what we will
call the "Home Improvement Committee." The Home
Improvement Committee is a woman's (Venusian)
instinctive mannerism of offering "helpful
suggestions" to the men in her life. She also does
the same thing with the women in her life but with
a very different result.

Women offer these suggestions to men as
supportive gestures, or loving reminders, i.e.
"home improvement". Note that their intentions are
good. However, they are often interpreted by men
as "mothering" or, even worse, "smothering"
behavior.

In a recent poll on MarsVenus.com, 83% of
women responded that they believe they're the
fixers of relationships while 70% of men say that
they're the ones doing the repair work for the
relationship.

How can it be that we're all working on the
relationships, even thinking we are working harder
than our spouses, and yet there is so much strife
between couples?

This perception difference is a huge
stumbling block in relationships, since partners
are apparently failing to recognize the efforts
their better half is making.

When men sense a problem in their
relationship, they become "Mr. Fix It". Men tend
to search for solutions right away, whereas women
prefer to explore their feelings first.

A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's
feelings, but because his needs are different from
hers, she doesn't naturally understand them.
Instead, she gives the help that she would like to
receive - a common problem that both men and women
have when trying to fix a situation. While her
behavior may be well-intentioned, this doesn't
correctly address the way to fix the
problem.

Men like to work out problems on their own.
For them, seeking help is a sign of weakness. So
her giving him advice may be interpreted to mean
that she thinks he is weak.

Also, when a couple disagrees and the man
finally comes up with a solution to their problem,
if a woman resists the solution he offers because
she is trying to give him her best advice, there
is miscommunication. If she is stuck on "the home
improvement committee", this makes him feel weak,
mistrusted, unappreciated, and eventually after a
while he stops making the effort because it is
resisted. Then he stops caring too. The result is
that his willingness to listen to her
understandably lessens because he is feeling she
is not hearing him.

Women must remember that unsolicited advice
or criticism makes a man feel unloved and
controlled. Both need to be able to better
recognize the efforts that the other person is
making which they don't intuitively understand.
Once men feel accepted as they are, then they are
more likely to ask for feedback and advice.

The next time your guy tries to help your
relationship, thank him for his effort and
remember not to dwell on what he hasn't yet done.
Men like to feel appreciated - it's one of their
most basic primary needs. If you can resist the
temptation to change or improve him, he will feel
empowered and will be that much more willing to do
more later.

When sharing feelings, let him know that you
are not trying to tell him what to do but that you
want him to be aware of your feelings so he can
take those into his consideration.

If you're a man and your partner is stuck in
the home improvement committee, recognize she is
trying to support you in the way that comes
naturally for a woman. So here's a suggestion you
might give her to help her in her efforts to
support you:

Let her know that you love and appreciate her
helpful thoughts - and share with her honestly how
they make you feel. Most women have no idea that
their attempts to improve their partner make him
feel bad. Remind her that you're not telling her
that she is bad or wrong, just that your needs are
different than
hers.
_________________________________________________

God
bless your marriage and family.

Jim
Stephens

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Jim Stephens

Jim
Stephens
The Marriage
Library

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