Summary of this article
I like this information the best in quite a while. I think it can be an extremely valuable tip for men that might help them the rest of their lives when talking to women.
Jim |
Men Better Forget About Using "I Understand" With A Woman By Jim Stephens. Concepts by John Gray and www.marsvenus.com A woman thinks a man is not listening when he presumes to understand what she is feeling. Women have heard men on countless occasions say, "I understand." With those two simple words, men think mistakenly that they are being supportive and are indicating that they are listening and even further that they are connecting with what she is feeling. What men don't realize is that on Venus, you cannot possibly understand a woman until you have heard it all. What guys also don't get when they are saying "I understand" is that it's very possible that to her they actually sound both dismissive and insulting. What "I understand," often sounds like is: "I got it already. You don't have to tell me any more. Please, can we move on?" Unfortunately, even though his intentions may be good, the average guy has no idea how insulting, and yes patronizing, the old "I understand" can actually sound to her. In Martian-speak when he says "I understand", he is trying to say that he is motivated to help in some way and has heard enough to suggest a solution. He's ready to act. Just tell him what to do. But the woman doesn't want him to act. She wants him to hear her out. So what the Venusian hears is "I don't want to listen anymore. Let's either do something now, or please change the subject." In fact, women have a much greater tolerance for emotional distress than men. Men want to do something very quickly to get out of any distress. With her higher threshold, before women ever feel that something has to be done or said, they can patiently listen to another woman's distress (or a man's for that matter) without feeling any urgency to do something or to fix anything. A man hears a problem and he immediately wants to do something about it. When she shares her feelings, he thinks she is just alerting him to the fact that there is a problem that he is supposed to solve. He is motivated to help her and is listening for what action he should take. It simply doesn't occur to the average male that what she really wants is for him to simply listen patiently. Men don't do that to each other. In this example, when women conclude men are not listening, it's not really true. It is only accurate to conclude that a man listened for something different than she wanted, and then incorrectly assumed that he knew all that she was feeling. Additionally, he was making an incorrect opening assumption. He thinks that she was seeking his suggestion about a solution. But actually and more importantly, she was hoping he would hear all of her feelings before he shares his point of view. So what's a Martian to do? Well, instead of saying "I understand", he can assure a woman that he is listening by nodding his head and occasionally making little sounds like, "Umhumm." "Tell me more." On Venus, these small reassuring gestures mean, "I am listening and wanting to understand what you are saying." On Mars men don't normally do this in conversation because it would indicate to another man that he is agreeing and supporting what is being said. For women however, receiving those gestures is simply communicating that the listener is taking in what he is hearing. The differing styles of communicating between Mars and Venus is an endless source of friction. The most important lesson for men here is to recognize that male and female communication patterns differ in a variety of ways. One of the most critical involves the art of listening. Practice patience, men, and take the time to hear everything that is being said when talking to a woman. _________________________________________________
God bless your marriage and family.
Jim Stephens |
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