Beware, Opposites Attract
From Gary Chapman
Our differences grow out of the fact that we are creatures of an infinitely creative God, that we grew up in unique family environments, that we were taught cultural and sexual roles, and that we are influenced by our unique genetic composition.
Opposites attract.
In the dating process, we tend to be drawn to persons who complement our personality. After marriage, opposites can become a real challenge for each other. Here is a continuation of some stereotypical opposites.
Aggressive Persons and Passive
The old adage says, "Some people read history; others make it." Usually these people are married to each other. The aggressive husband or wife believes that each day is a new opportunity to advance the cause. Whatever they want, whatever they believe right, they are out to make it happen. They will go to all ends, they will turn every stone, and they will do everything humanly possible to accomplish their goals in life. On the other hand, the passive spouse sits by analyzing, thinking, wondering what if? and waiting for something good to happen.
Before marriage, these traits attracted the two individuals to each other. The aggressive partner found it marvelous to observe how calm, cool, and collected his/her future spouse could be in the midst of life's experiences. How secure and stable the loved one was! The passive person was enamored by the activity of the aggressive partner and was pleased to have someone make plans and chart courses for their future.
Now, after marriage, the couple often finds these same traits difficult to live with. The aggressive partner keeps trying to push the passive partner into action, while the passive partner keeps saying, "It's going to be all right. Don't get so excited. Everything's going to work out."
Organized and Spontaneous In this marriage, one partner is organized and the other is spontaneous. The Organizer takes weeks preparing for a vacation - looking at the map, charting the route, calling ahead for reservations, planning, and packing. The Spontaneous Spouse waits until the night before and says, "Why don't we go to the coast instead of the mountains? The sun is so beautiful, and the weather is wonderful." This sends the Organizer into a tail spin, and the vacation becomes torture.
Before marriage, Tricia was impressed with her husband Trent's organizational skills: "You balance your checkbook every month? That's wonderful!" After marriage, however, she is asking, "You want me to record every check I write? That's impossible. No one does that." Trent, of course, quickly shows her his checkbook - with every check accurately recorded.
The Professor and the Dancer
For the Professor, everything must be reasoned out: "We must have logical reasons for doing everything we do. If it is not logical, we shouldn't do it." The Dancer is intuitive: "We don't need logical reasons for everything we do. We do some things simply because we enjoy them. I don't know why. Do I always have to know why? I want to do it just because." Before marriage, the Professor was proud of the Dancer, as was the Dancer of the Professor. Too often after the marriage, however, the Professor is slowly driven insane by the same illogical behavior, and the Dancer wonders how he/she can continue living with a person so obsessed with reason.
"Ellen, listen to me. The walls are not dirty; they don't need painting again. Don't you understand that?" to which Ellen responds, "Yes, I understand that, but I don't want pea green walls any longer." The Professor has a difficult time making decisions based on desire. The Dancer cannot imagine why anyone would want to be held in the prison of logic.
The Reader and the TV Addict
The Reader will never understand how anyone can waste so much time watching TV, while the TV Addict deplores the silent withdrawal of the Reader. Rob said, "Why can't we enjoy a TV show together? Why do you always have to sit around reading a book? We could have fun if you'd watch some things with me." Grace responds, "I'll never watch that junk. It's a waste of time. I use my mind when I read."
Rob and Grace are illustrating a whole category of differences related to interests. Instead of TV, it may be movies, yard work, computers, exercise, or any number of other activities. When spouses have different interests, sometimes one is unwilling to understand or accept the value of the other person's pursuits. The symphony lover says, "Bravo, Bravo. Don't you just love that Opus no. 12 in A Minor?" to which the bluegrass devotee responds, "You call that stuff music?" The jogger says, "My goal is the marathon. Rain or shine, I'll be running," whereas the walker says, "I don't want to ruin my knees by jogging. I want to enjoy the scenery as I walk."
Flying Coach or First Class The First Class thinker always wants the best of everything - the best shirt or dress, the most expensive of whatever. The Coach thinker looks for a bargain. The difference often arises when they are buying a car. One will want the extras; the other, the basics. When they go out to eat, fast food is fine with the Coach. After all, a burger is a burger. However, the First Class person would never eat a burger unless it was served on a crystal plate.
When they travel, one thinks economy is fine; the other has in mind the elegant. The Coach wants to squirrel money away for the future, while the First Class thinker isn't sure there will be a future: "Let's enjoy the present."
Before marriage, the Coach was enamored with the money the First Class spouse spent to make them happy, while the First Class thinker appreciated the conservative nature of the spouse-to-be. After marriage, however, the Coach lives in fear of bankruptcy, while the First Class spouse is tired of the lectures on economy.
"I wish that just once you would order something that is not the cheapest thing on the menu," said Philip. His wife, Gail, responded, "I thought you would be proud of me for saving money." "It makes me feel like you think I'm a failure . . . like I can't afford to buy you something nice," said Philip. "I never knew you felt that way," said Gail. "Waiter," she said, raising her hand, "change mine to a filet mignon."
Sunday-Morning and Wednesday-Night Christians
The Wednesday night crowd at church is much smaller than the Sunday morning crowd. We accept this as a way of life in the church. The problem comes when you are a Wednesday-Night Christian married to a Sunday-Morning Christian. You cannot understand how any Christian could be satisfied to go to church only on Sunday mornings, while the Sunday-Morning Christian feels that only a religious fanatic would go to church as often as you do.
The Wednesday-Night Christian often feels that he/she is more spiritually mature than their spouse. As Christians we often take pride in feeling that "God is on my side." If I can convince myself that reading is more spiritual than watching television, then I can blast my spouse who happens to be a watcher rather than a reader. If I can convince myself that any child of God should always go first class, then I can clobber my spouse as being less spiritually mature for wanting to travel economy class. However, it is not a matter of reading being more spiritual than watching television. The question is, what am I reading (or what am I watching), and how does this activity affect my relationship with God and my ministry to others. It is not that flying first class is always God's will for his children. The question is a matter of stewardship. Each of us will differ in our preferences, but we must all put our preferences under the lordship of Christ.
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