Avoid These Negative Behavior Patterns That Can Predict Divorce

By John Gottman

Among the destructive behaviors in a marriage here are the four that have the most corrosive negative behavior patterns. I call them the "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

Specifically, these are:

Criticism:

This is stating one's complaints as a defect in one's partner's personality, i.e., giving the partner negative trait attributions. Example: "You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish."

Contempt:

These are statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: "You're an idiot."

Defensiveness:

This is self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example: "It's not my fault that we're always late; it's your fault."

Stonewalling:

This is the emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is "tracking" the speaker.

These predict early divorcing - an average of 5.6 years after the wedding.

Emotional withdrawal and anger predict later divorcing - an average of 16.2 years after the wedding.

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