Using Power On Your Spouse Always Makes It Worse

By Steven Stosny

Under sufficient stress, most people in love relationships fall into the trap of substituting power for value. We really want to feel loved and valuable, but instead, we try to feel more powerful.

Say your partner complains - yet again - that you never listen. The sheer repetition of the statement in "that" tone of voice, makes you feel accused and devalued. So you respond with some kind of power-assertion - you contradict him/her or accuse back or blow it off with something sarcastic. You get a small surge of energy, which temporarily increases your confidence - you know that you're right as long as you're resentful or angry.

You feel temporarily more powerful, even though any of the above responses would prove your partner is right; you're not in fact listening when he/she complains about feeling unheard in the relationship.

Why does the substitution of power for value never work for long? When you feel the power of being right, why do things always get worse?

I'll give you a hint. It has nothing to do with your partner being right or wrong or with his/her reactions to you. It has to do with your own deeper values, the same ones that probably made you get married in the first place.

Did you get married with the following fantasies? "I'm really going to feel power in this relationship. I'm always going to be right and win every argument. If she doesn't agree with me, I'll just shout over her or refuse to speak or reply with one-word answers. I'll criticize him, make him feel inadequate, and get him to do anything I want!"

Was that your dream? Or did you marry with the fantasies of giving love, care, and compassion?

Somewhere along the line you learned to substitute power for value, and a lousy substitution it was!

Power tactics sometimes get you compliance, occasionally fear, often hostility, always resentment, but never love and never value.

The sad irony is, in close relationships, love and genuine power are not all that different. The key phrase is "genuine power," which means acting in your best interests. Your long-term emotional best interests depend entirely on behaving in accordance with your own deepest values. When you do, you feel valuable and powerful at the same time.

If your partner complains about not feeling heard, honor your deepest values. Respond with something like (the words don't matter - focus instead on the desire to reassure): "I want you to feel heard. I need to listen to you more and appreciate how important you are to me."

Expressing in whatever words you choose (even non-verbally) the sincere desire to reconcile will make you feel more powerful and valuable, no matter how your partner responds.

Published on August 12, 2011 by Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt.