We're Just Different, Not Spiteful

By John Gray

The more aware we are of the natural differences between men and women, the more tolerant we can become of them when they arise.

Instead of wondering what's wrong with our partner, we can take the nuanced step of pondering what may be wrong with our approach to them. Instead of assuming that our partner is being inconsiderate on purpose, we can just consider them clueless, or oblivious. That's not a put-down. It's the truth.

From time to time, we just don't have a clue as to what our partners are doing or why. We're just different.

Accepting our differences immediately lightens our relationships.

Many couples feel a heaviness in their lives because they believe they have to sacrifice themselves and at least partially give up who they are to please their partners. This attitude needs to change.

Certainly every relationship requires making adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices, but it doesn't have to feel like we're giving up who we are!

Instead, we can choose to see it as a compromise.

Life isn't about having everything our own way. It's about sharing and sacrificing. When we realize this, we experience the true opening of our lives and the growth of our love.

Sacrifice is a negative-sounding word, but we can make it positive when we recognize that the sacrifice is worthwhile. It can be an act of love that is, like the root of the word, sacred.

Let's look at a few examples that pertain to women: horseback riding and shoe shopping.

Riding a horse can be said to have an element of risk, much like driving a car fast. However, horseback riding lowers a woman's stress levels. It's because she's in a nurturing (oxytocin-producing) relationship with the horse. She feeds and grooms the horse and in return, the horse carries her to her destination. Horseback riding requires sensitivity, patience and most importantly, the willingness to trust in a real partnership. Not surprisingly, more than 70 percent of all riders today are women.

For women shopping for shoes or other accessories is a super-oxytocin producer that reduces stress. Look in a woman's closet and you'll find rows of shoes in a variety of colors and textures. When a woman shops, it's pure candy for her. It overwhelms him. She moves along looking left and right, up and down. If he's been forced to accompany her, he drags along looking straight ahead, hoping either to see a bench or an exit sign. She uses the trip as an oxytocin-building opportunity, seeking to meet the needs of others - cards for friends, toys for children, a blouse for her mother. He, however, is scraping the bottom of his testosterone supply. If he doesn't find a Radio Shack soon, he may die.

The difference here isn't that men hate shopping and women love it. It's that women shop for the fun of discovery, and men need a clear destination and goal.