Scoring Points on Mars
& Venus
Although many of us would like to say that we
don't keep score in our relationships, the truth
is that we do. Sometimes we do this unknowingly,
but ultimately we do keep an eye on the "giving"
in our relationships.
Everyone likes to feel as if we give equally
to our partners, but the truth is that there are
times when everyone gives a little less. Perhaps
it's caused by a busy workweek or feeling
overwhelmed with responsibilities but, ultimately,
there are times when we can't give what we would
like to and we need our partners to give to us a
bit more. It's usually in this moment that we
begin to notice that the giving score is out of
balance.
To begin to solve this problem, we first have
to understand how and why men and women score
points with each other. Then we can look at how to
recover when one person is giving more than the
other.
How men give
points:
Most men give points in increments or blocks.
The simple math for a man is that the more your
support, advice, or behavior helps him, in his
language, the more points you receive. So for
example, a husband and wife are driving and he
gets lost. If she does not bring this up and
trusts him to take care of her without offering
unsolicited driving advice, he offers her 20
points. But, likewise, if she offers him the
unsolicited advice, it's minus 20 points.
If a man snuggles up next to his wife and she
is open and interested in having sex, he gives her
30 points - maybe even 50 points depending on how
special their evening together is. But if he rolls
over to her and she says, "Not tonight," then it's
minus 5 points. If she has said this to him 3
nights in a row, the negative points get higher.
This simple scoring system is based on how
helpful a situation is to a man, and how much it
makes his life easier. Keep in mind that all men
are different. What one man considers worth 50
points, a different man may think is worth only
10.
The rule of thumb with scoring points is that
actions that are considerate of a man's basic
primary needs score highly and, likewise, those
that violate his primary needs score lower.
The importance of scoring points is that it
helps a man to reconnect with his loving feelings
for the woman in his life. When she does something
that makes him think good thoughts about her it
reminds him of how important it is to give back to
her. In a healthy relationship the process of
scoring points helps a man to stay in touch with
his feelings of give and take. He is assured to
not take too much without giving back.
Men tend to stop giving when they feel they
are being taken for granted. A woman can motivate
a man by letting him know that what he is doing
for her makes a difference in her life.
How women give
points:
Women score points on a completely different
scale. Most men have heard before, "It's the
little things that count," but they don't always
realize how important those little things really
are to a woman. Most women operate from the
principle of, "fair is fair." All actions on
Venus, both positive and negative, get 1 point.
So this means that if a man picks a woman up
for a date, he gets one point. If he brings her a
flower, he gets one point. If he brings her many
flowers he still only gets...one point! Each gift
of love has equal value.
For women the process of scoring points can
be a very passive thing, until the score becomes
uneven. Most women who write into MarsVenus.com
tell us that they really don't think of themselves
as "score keepers" until one day they wake up and
their husband/boyfriend has done something and
they realize he has negative points. At this
point, he's in trouble with her!
A man can score points daily by doing small
things, like opening her car door, or giving her a
hug.
It is important to remember that the way
women score points is not just a preference but a
true need. Women need many expressions of love in
a relationship to feel loved. One or two
expressions of love, no matter how important, will
not, and cannot, fulfill her. If you imagine a
woman's love needs as being similar to your car's
need for gasoline, then you get a clear picture of
how often she needs to have her tank re-filled.
Similar to how a man responds, when a woman's
love tank is full, she is able to give more to her
partner, and is more in touch with her desire to
love her partner the way he wants to be loved -
which means with more trust, acceptance and
appreciation.
Improving relationships takes no more time
and energy than you are already expending, just
more redirecting.
As you learn how men and women score points,
you will create more love and more passion for you
and your partner. It's about using the energy you
are already spending in ways that fulfill each
other's needs.
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