The best way to raise happy, disciplined kids
is to practice what I call positive parenting. The
necessary skills are easy to learn, and they work
right away. Secrets of positive
parents...
UNDERSTAND EACH
CHILD'S TEMPERAMENT
When a parent says that one child is a dream
and another is a terror, what he/she really means
is that the dream child is similar to him. If a
child's temperament is like yours, you
instinctively give him the kind of nurturing he
needs.
If his personality differs from yours, your
intuitive response is likely to create resistance
rather than cooperation.
Once you understand a temperament, you can
use the most effective approach. Four basic
temperaments...
1. Sensitive children feel
disappointment and distress more acutely than
others. They need empathy and validation. A parent
should never try to cheer up a sensitive child --
he won't cooperate until he feels fully heard.
Example: "I know you're mad about not
getting a cookie right now. I promise that if
you eat a good dinner, you'll get a
cookie."
2. Active children like to
do things... and see results. They are not
concerned with emotional responses to situations.
Without structure, rules and responsibility, they
get out of control.
Example: If several children are playing on
the swing set, give the active child the job of
making sure everyone gets equal
time.
3. Responsive children seek
more stimulation than other kids do. They're
impulsive and tend to lose interest in an activity
before finishing it. The best way to get
cooperation from these kids is to distract them.
Example: If a responsive child skins his
knee and cries, don't talk about how bad he
feels. Sing to him... or tell a story about the
next fun activity -- We'll go to the park and
feed the ducks, and we'll have lots of
fun.
4. Receptive children are
anxious about change. They need rhythm to feel
secure -- consistent bedtimes, mealtimes,
playtimes, etc. Don't push receptive kids to
participate in new activities. Let them watch
first. Once they understand the situation, they'll
step in.
AIM FOR COOPERATION... NOT
OBEDIENCE
Children need a strong sense of self and
values to deal with peer pressures. Teach them
discipline and a sense of self by inviting their
cooperation. Do not try to control them. This does
not mean letting your kids run wild. It means
treating them respectfully. Instead of ordering
your child to do something, make a friendly
request.
Example: "Would you please clean your room
now?" (Not "Clean your room.")
MOTIVATE WITH REWARD... NOT
PUNISHMENT
Children -- like adults -- don't respond well
to threats. They just dig in their heels.
Promising a reward for good behavior works better
than threatening to punish bad behavior.
Important: A reward is not the same as a
bribe. Don't offer money or presents to get a
child to do what he is actually supposed to do.
Instead, offer valuable intangibles.
For a younger child, the most valuable reward
is time with you. For a teenager, it may be a
later curfew, car privileges or some other symbol
of freedom.
Phrase requests in positive ways -- showing
positive consequences -- by saying, "If you
do...," rather than, "If you don't... ."
Example: Instead of "If you don't brush
your teeth, I won't read you a story," say, "If
you brush your teeth now, there'll be time for
three stories."
ASSERT YOUR LEADERSHIP
Sometimes nurturing a child's unique
temperament and offering positive rewards aren't
enough to get him to cooperate. When that happens,
switch to command statements. A command statement
is a brief expression of what you want and expect
-- without arguing, lecturing or getting
emotional.
Repeat the statement calmly and as often as
necessary. This gives the child a chance to
express his resistance... and to find out that you
won't give in to it. Example...
You: I want you to put away your bicycle
now.
Child: I don't feel like it.
You: I
want you to put away your bicycle now.
Child: I didn't put it there. Somebody else
did.
You: I want you to put away your
bicycle now.
Child: Why do I have to?
You: Because I want you to do it now.
Child: I don't want to!
You: I want you
to put away your bicycle now.
Child:
(sulkily): OK.
You: Thank you. I appreciate
it.
Thank your child once he cooperates -- even
if he does so with a poor attitude. Lecturing him
for putting up a fight effectively eliminates any
reward for surrendering. He'll be even more
resistant next time.
Surprisingly, command statements work faster
than arguing or yelling -- and they are easier on
everyone's nerves. At first, you may feel awkward
repeating the same statement over and over. But
once you've used the technique a few times -- and
your kids realize you're serious about it --
you'll be amazed at how cooperative they become.
COMMUNICATE ACCEPTANCE
Positive parents help kids grow up confident
and compassionate by letting them know they're
accepted. Parents communicate this acceptance in
words -- and demonstrate it in their behavior. The
five most powerful messages of acceptance...
It's OK to be different.
It's OK to make
mistakes.
It's OK to express emotions that are
negative.
It's OK to want more (but you don't
always get it).
It's OK to say no (but
remember Mom and Dad are the bosses).
(HarperCollins). An
internationally recognized expert in the fields of
communication, relationships and personal growth,
he has been conducting seminars in major cities
for over 26 years. His most recent book is 
(HarperCollins).
