Research Shows The
Reality of "The Crazy Cycle"
John
Gottman, a professor at the University of
Washington, reveals significant male and female
differences in marriage. Not only do husbands
react more to criticism, a wife can escalate that
to contempt with devastating consequences..
...a man's blood pressure and heart rate
will rise much higher and will stay elevated
longer than his wife (p.146)
...men are far more likely than women to be
stonewallers (85%), when tension builds
...we have found repeatedly that men get
flooded far faster during tense marital exchange
than do their wives. In fact, it often takes
only the arrival of criticism to flood men. (p.
147)
...Men avoid emotional conflicts by going
off by themselves
...If you ask a male stonewaller to
describe his state of mind, he often says, 'I am
trying not to react.' He feels like he's idling
in neutral even though his wife perceives his
silence as an act of hostility
(p.148)
Because men are so vulnerable to feeling
flooded, a wife's criticism can easily cause the
husband to withdraw. The wife is next likely
to interpret his response as a rejection of her
because she doesn't realize that he's feeling
flooded. She couldn't imagine needing to withdraw
over such a minor criticism (p.151)
Such interactions can produce a vicious
cycle, especially in marriages with high levels of
conflict. The more wives complain and criticize,
the more husbands withdraw and stonewall. Then the
more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more
wives complain and criticize.
This cycle must be broken if marriages are to
avoid dissolution. If the wife becomes belligerent
and contemptuous, the husband is likely to
withdraw even more..." (p.152).
A wife's belligerent and contemptuous
approach proves fruitless. This approach can
actually be a major contributor to the collapse of
the marriage.
The Crazy Cycle says, "Without Love a
Wife Reacts Without Respect, and Without Respect a
Husband Reacts Without Love."
The message the wife is trying to send in her
negative reaction (criticism/contempt) is, "I
don't feel loved by you right now." The message
the husband hears is, "I don't respect you,
buster, unless you change immediately."
Things get crazy because this feeds itself.
Her disrespect feeds his lack of love. His
unloving reactions feed her disrespect. Round and
round it goes.
The good news is that this cycle can be
broken. The Love and Respect Message provides the
insights and tools to halt the spinning. For
example, we coach a husband to express, "That felt
disrespectful, did I just come across as
unloving?" Or, we coach a wife to say, "That felt
unloving, did I just come across as
disrespectful?" This kind of comment causes a
pause to the craziness. This kind of language
allows each to communicate his/her deepest
feelings but come across to a spouse in a way that
makes that spouse feel understood. There are risks
in making such statements, but practical ideas are
provided to minimize those "dangers." The positive
impact can be extraordinary.
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Love
and Respect Ministries Inc. Copyright 2006 Rev.
Emerson Eggerichs Ph.D.
http://www.loveandrespect.com/
for more resources.
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:
goes into depth on this topic.
This is a book for both men and women.
