He must be
teething!
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Anyone who has had small children knows
that when they are incredibly cranky or crabby,
they make us miserable too. But as parents, we try
hard to be understanding. We explain away their
testiness by telling ourselves, "He must be
sleepy. He probably needs a nap," or "Maybe she's
hungry," or "He must be teething." These
explanations thwart any possible hostility or
anger while eliciting our utmost
compassion.
But then there are our partners. When our
mates are cranky or crabby, do we assume their
motivations to be benign? Do we tell ourselves,
"He must be sleepy," or "She must be hungry"?
Heavens, no! We assume the worst! We nail them! We
convince ourselves that they are undoubtedly out
to spite us at every turn. When our partner
arrives late for dinner, do we tell ourselves, "He
must have gotten caught in traffic," or "Poor
thing, his boss probably detained him after the
meeting," or "I'm sure there must be a good reason
he's late"? Hardly. We think, "He never takes my
feelings into account," or "Why does he have to be
so insensitive?" "That's it, I'm never making
dinner for him again."
Now, the problem with these negative
perceptions is that they greatly influence how we
feel, how we treat our partners, and how they
treat us as a result. For example, I know a woman
who, because of several failed relationships in
the past, needed more than the average dose of
daily affection from her husband. If, on any
particular day, he failed to profess his love to
her, hug her and rub her back, and share his
feelings openly, she assumed something was wrong.
She told herself, "He's probably mad at me, " or
"Maybe he's not in love with me anymore," or "I'm
obviously not important to him." Each time she had
one of those negative thoughts, she clammed up.
She went into a shell. If he talked to her, she
was short with him. It wasn't long before he
started to feel something was wrong because she
was so moody. Rather than confront her directly,
he withdrew even more. The distance between them
grew.
Hearing her story, I couldn't help but think
that she was misreadiing his behavior. I asked
her, "If you felt completely confident that he
loved you and wanted to be with you forever, how
do you think you'd handle the 'off days'
differently?" She replied, "That's easy. I would
relax. If he were preoccupied or inattentive, I
would just assume he had a lot on his mind, and I
would go about my business and be cheery around
him."
I suggested she try an experiment. "Rather
than think the worst," I told her, "assume he just
has a lot on his mind when he is quiet or
inattentive." She agreed to give it a whirl.
Several weeks later she returned telling me that
their relationship had improved dramatically. On
one occasion when he had been somewhat distant,
she told herself, "He must be preoccupied with a
project at work. I know how important it is to him
to do well on this project and I'm proud of him."
Instead of feeling insecure, as she had in the
past, she remained upbeat and made his favorite
snack to ease his burden. He so much appreciated
her kind gesture that he stopped what he was doing
to give her a hug and tell her how much he
appreciates her.
If we give our partners the benefit of the
doubt, we treat them lovingly and respectfully.
If, on the other hand, we assume the worst about
our partner's actions or intentions, we behave in
self-defeating ways. We turn inward. We get mad.
We become suspicious. We declare war. Approaching
one's mate with boxing gloves is not likely to
bring out the best in him or her.
The moral of the story is simple. When you
feel angry, hurt or disappointed by your partner,
stop a moment. Ask yourself, "Is it even remotely
possible that I am jumping to conclusions?" "Is
there another, somewhat more benevolent way to
look at my partner's actions?" If so, give your
loved one the benefit of the doubt. After all,
s/he might be teething.
2009 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All
rights reserved.
