How Women Can Improve Their Communication with Men Without Talking

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Valuable Information:

How Women Can Improve Their Communication
with Men WITHOUT TALKING

By Dr. Steven Stosny and Dr. Pat Love

How Women Can Improve Their Communication with Men.

When Pat did the research for her book with Jo Robinson, Hot Monogamy: How to Achieve a More Intimate Relationship with Your Partner , she interviewed 1,500 couples regarding relationships. Several surprising pieces of information came out of that research, and three of them are very relevant to our new book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It .

1. Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her - he lives to please her.

2. Woman can easily see how frightening men are to them because of the threat of physical abuse, but they do not see their own power to evoke shame.

3. What women often interpret as withdrawn, uncaring men, for the most part, are men overwhelmed by the criticism and unhappiness coming from their partners.

Many women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. When confronted with their critical behavior, the most common reaction is disbelief. "I'm just trying to make him a better person!"-that is, more thoughtful, considerate, responsible, reliable, and so on.

Reflecting on this fact, Pat thought it might be interesting to list 101 ways to shame a man without trying. Off the top of her head, she came up with well over fifty ways that she herself had done so, inadvertently or otherwise, in her own relationships. Here are a few:

* Excluding him from important decisions: "I told my sister we would vacation with them this year."

* Robbing him of the opportunity to help (by over functioning and overdoing): "Don't bother-I'll do it."

* Correcting what he said: "It was last Wednesday, not Thursday."

* Questioning his judgment: "Are you going to cook those eggs one at a time?"

* Giving unsolicited advice: "If you would just make the call you'll feel better."

* Ignoring his advice: "This is woman's stuff-you really don't know anything about it."

* Implying inadequacy: "I wish you had been at that workshop with me" (not because he would have enjoyed it but because it would have "corrected some of his flaws").

* Making unrealistic demands of his time and energy: "After you rotate the tires and paint the shed, I want you to listen to how my day was."

* Overreacting (which is a form of criticizing his choices or behavior): "I can't believe you voted for him!"

* Ignoring his needs (basically sending the message that they're not important): "You're not that tired; anyway, having company will give you energy."

* Focusing on what I didn't get, not what I did: "It would have been better if you'd said 'I'm sorry' to begin with."

* Withholding praise: "Well, it's your job to mow the lawn."

* Using a harsh tone: "I am so tired of this!"

* Valuing others' needs over his: saying to a friend, "Oh, he's not too tired to come pick you up and then take you back home after we have a nice visit."

* Undermining his wishes: Saying to a relative: "I agreed to have a quiet Thanksgiving, but if you invite us, he couldn't say no."

* Condescending: "You did an okay job picking out your shirt."

* Name-calling: "You're such a negative person."

* Belittling his work: "Just what is it you do all day?"

* Showing little or no interest in his interests: "I can't imagine what you see in that."

* Criticizing his family: "Your sister didn't even offer to help clean up the kitchen!"

* Ignoring him: Choosing friends over his company.

* Interpreting him: "What you really meant when you said you were tired is that you don't want to listen to me."

* Comparing: "The neighbor's yard sure looks nice."

* Dismissing: "I have to work" (implying he doesn't)

* Focusing on my own unhappiness: "I can't live this way."

* Expecting him to make me happy: "If we just did more fun things together..."

* Making "you" statements: "You make me so mad I can't think straight!"

* Globalizing: "Men are not capable of understanding!"

* Generalizing: "You're always criticizing me."

* Therapizing: "You are trying to make up for your father."

* Projecting my unhappiness on him: "I feel bad when I don't talk, so you can't possibly feel okay if you're this quiet."

Other shaming favorites of women include:

* Believing they always know what's best for the relationship

* Rolling eyes

* Giving "the look"

* Being sarcastic

* Ridiculing

* Suggesting a "better way"

* Having unrealistic expectations

* Criticizing him in front of other people

* Making him feel unnecessary

If you are a woman reading this and thinking "I don't shame," you may be right.

But just to make sure, check it out with the men in your life. It's best not to ask directly. Don't say, "Do I criticize?" or "Do I shame you?" That's like asking "Does my butt look big in this dress?" No guy in his right mind is going to give you a straight answer. Instead, ask: "What are some of the different ways I criticize or shame you?"

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God bless your marriage and family.

Jim Stephens