Why almost everything "self-help" experts teach you about how to achieve happiness is the precise opposite of the truth

by Dr. Paul Pearsall

Most people now accept these statements, "You can't love someone until you learn to love yourself." "Feeling guilty is unhealthy." "It's important to be in touch with your feelings."

 

These are self-evident truths, right? Wrong, according to  neuropsychologist Dr. Paul Pearsall in The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need.

 

Dr. Pearsall cites reams of scientific evidence to debunk what he calls the "McMorals of self-help" -- showing why they are not only wrong, but harmful. In their stead, he offers commonsense strategies for coping with life's trials -- and he reveals why self-help no-no's like "denial," "repression," and even "pessimism" can actually be good for you.

 

Dr. Pearsall is a speaker and author of over 15 books. He has practiced psychotherapy for over 30 years and survived a terrifying battle with cancer.

The chief problem with most "self-help" advice, Dr. Pearsall shows, is that it's so self-centered. Using examples from his own clinical practice, he reveals how real happiness comes when we focus on other people's feelings and problems rather than our own.

 

Pearsall also explains what research scientists call "The Big Five" personality traits most likely to lead to a sense of well-being -- all five of them behaviors that have nothing to do with "enhancing self-esteem". These traits are Extroversion (reaching out to others), Agreeableness (being compliant and pleasant), Emotional Stability (knowing and controlling your emotions), Openness (being open and vulnerable to others and with others), and Conscientious (knowing what others think and living up to it).

 

Dr. Pearsall also attacks what he calls the "sex establishment" with intelligence and humor, backing it up with careful research.

 

Some examples of Dr. Pearsall's counter-intuitive advice are:

~ Self-esteem: Highly overrated. In fact, research shows that high self-esteem relates to health problems and stress. Moreover, mass murderers, gang leaders, and even playground bullies are distinguishable not by their low opinion of themselves but instead by their inflated self-esteem and disregard for others.

~ Guilt: Highly underrated -- and the only way to identify and make needed changes in behavior that is harming others. In fact, research shows that the happiest, healthiest people are often guilty worriers.

~ "Learning to love yourself": Despite Whitney Houston's self-help anthem, "Learning to Love Yourself Is the Greatest Love of All," loving us is someone else's job, and loving someone else is a prerequisite to the right to love ourselves. Putting ourselves first makes us contemptible, both to others and to ourselves.

~ Being "Judgmental": Yes, we should avoid snap judgments. But Dr. Pearsall shows why making moral judgments about others -- and ourselves -- is essential to mental and social well-being as well as spiritual and moral growth.

~ Throttle Your Inner Child: Your "outer elder" is more important. Self-help wrongly embraces the idea that infancy is more important than any other stage of life.

~ Your parents: If you're messing up, it's your fault, not theirs. Research shows that childhood experiences have almost nothing to do with problems in adulthood.

~ "Getting in touch with your feelings": why it's dangerous to your health -- and the health of those around you.

~ Grieving: there are no "stages" of it, and it's not something to be "treated" by "grief counselors."

~ Your "limitless potential": Sorry, you can't "do anything you put your mind to" - and pursuing goals that are truly out of reach will only make you miserable.