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I know he needs to pull away,
but why does it hurt so badly?

 
Article by Dr. John Gray

I know he needs to pull away, but why does it hurt so badly?
 
By Dr. John Gray, taken from
http://www.marsvenus.com/
 
Learning to understand the Martian (male) need to go into his "cave" can be an emotional challenge for many women.

Female readers at MarsVenus.com tell us that they intellectually understand why a man needs to go to his "cave", but that it feels awful. Before a relationship can feel truly fulfilling to a woman, she needs to learn how to make peace with this very necessary male behavior.

When a man is upset or stressed, he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave." No one else is allowed in that cave, not even his best friends.

This does not mean that there is a problem in the relationship; it simply means that he has a problem he is trying to solve and he isn't ready to talk about it, or ask for help. In fact, asking for help is the last thing a man in his cave would do because he is in there trying to solve the problem on his own.
 
Remember, male self-esteem is based in part on his ability to solve problems, and accomplish the things necessary to be a good man, a good husband, and/or a good father. Once he has enough time to either come to a solution, or he realizes that he needs assistance, he will come out.

Once a man has finished with his cave and returns to his partner, his partner often expects him to instantly to become open, responsive and loving. This is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset to immediately calm down and make complete sense.
 
Men generally need some time to warm up to their emotions after spending time on the very Martian side of their brain, working on whatever was troubling them. Women can assist men in this process by giving them some space before talking about whatever is on her mind. Sometimes this is not possible but, whenever she can, a woman will achieve more harmony in her relationship if she allows him to open to her at his own pace.

Men generally appreciate this acceptance of their maleness and will reward a woman with more of what she needs when he is able.

Conflict is often created because men and women have opposing needs when a man experiences stress.

In relationships, the following things often happen:

* One of the biggest mistakes a woman makes is to believe that she can bust down the door to a man's cave and offer to help him with his problems. In fact, by asking him to talk about his problems before he is ready, she may inadvertently upset him more, which will cause him to want to stay in the cave longer.

* It is a woman's natural tendency to want to nurture her man when he has a problem. She wants to draw him out and get him to talk. She may ask several times, "What is bothering you? I know there is something wrong." and each time he will answer, "I'm fine, it's nothing."

* She may feel so rejected after several unsuccessful attempts that she finally says, "You just don't love me. How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore." At this point, he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. This is where, whoosh! -- his fire-breathing dragon emerges and she gets burned.

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality of attention that she deserves. He doesn't talk about his problems and instead will turn on the TV, read a magazine, or go out to shoot some hoops, leaving the woman to feel totally ignored.

She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes that he doesn't care about her because he isn't talking to her about whatever is bothering him. It's almost as if an instinct takes over that says that before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. Unfortunately, women often become resistant and resentful toward a man when he reacts this way.

A woman may also become demanding when asking for his support during this time, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. What works better is for a woman to remember that a man's reaction to stress is a coping mechanism and in no way reflects how he feels about her. By cooperating with him, instead of resisting his behavior, she will get what she needs.

How to support a man in his cave:

* Don't disapprove of his need to withdraw.

* Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
 
* Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
 
* Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
 
* Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.
 
* Do something that makes you happy.
A man should never give up going into his cave in an attempt to make a woman happy or to reassure her. If he gives up the cave, denying his true nature, he will become irritable, overly sensitive, defensive, weak, passive or mean. To make matters worse, he won't even know why he has become so unpleasant.

So, women: when your man goes into his cave, try to catch up on some reading, get a massage, or do some shopping. Be good to yourself and let your man have his cave time. By supporting him while he is in the cave and taking care of your needs, you will not only avoid getting burned but also assist him in coming out of the cave sooner.
_________________________________________________
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
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Jim Stephens
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