When we think about failed relationships, we often focus on what big problems occurred that drove a happy couple apart.

 

But surprisingly it is most often a long list of small issues that in the end created those big problems and created a breach between once loving partners.

That said, if couples can learn to address the small stuff well, then the big problems become much easier to handle.

Whether we stop to consciously acknowledge it or not, our feelings are hurt by each small misunderstanding. Over a short period of time those small hurts become like a physical bruise. It can heal if left alone, but when the same spot is poked at again and again, that bruise has no chance to heal.

Don't blame yourself for this, and don't blame your partner.

We can hurt each other's feelings with little or no awareness that we have done so. To facilitate healing, we can learn to accept imperfection by practicing forgiveness. At the same time it is wise for us to learn from our mistakes.

It can help men and women greatly in their forgiving of each other when they learn that as men (Martians) and women (Venusians) they tend to speak and think differently. Those differences in communication styles often create communication gaffs in which no offense was meant, but offense was taken. Feelings are hurt unintentionally.

When a man doesn't have the information to understand how what he said created a problem, he thinks something is wrong with his partner for feeling hurt. After making a series of small, basically innocent mistakes he stops caring about correcting his actions because he doesn't understand what he is doing wrong. Then bigger problems start to emerge from small missteps.

In a similar fashion a woman can become frustrated with her partner and she will start to close down in her desire to reach out to him after many misunderstandings. She begins to doubt that she can ever get what she wants from the relationship. She might be holding expectations that her man will communicate deeply with her much like her girlfriends.

Here's a simple example: A man comes home and his wife doesn't seem to appreciate him and how hard he worked all day FOR HER. So he stops caring as much about doing all the little things he did in the early stages of their relationship.

His lack of interest in doing little things for her encourages her disinterest in him. The warm feelings they felt for each other begin to noticeably diminish and the relationship starts to feel more like a burden than a blessing.

A second example: Both partners come home after a long day, and she says, "Do you want to go out for dinner?" He responds to her words thinking she is asking him what he wants to do. He says, "Let's just stay in and have leftovers." She was probably really thinking, "I'm too tired to cook and I want to go out for dinner." But she didn't say that and he didn't figure that out. He was tired too. She hears his remarks about "stay in" and may take that to mean, "You are no longer special to me and I don't care if you want to go out or not."

For the average male this is all a mystery. He didn't know he was supposed to be a detective to figure out what she wanted. On Mars you don't suggest or ask, you declare. If she had said, "I don't want to eat at home, let's go out," that he would have heard and understood clearly. But she didn't say that, and he did not understand what she really meant. Later that night when he attempts to get close, she rejects his overtures. Her acting cold to him then closes down his heart a little more in all his feelings toward her.

As we said at the start, it's most often the small stuff. Like the beat on a drum, the small misunderstandings keep going, all too often to the wrong rhythm. The lack of warm loving feelings between partners leads to an increasing air of tension that intensifies with each misstep. Now solving the inevitable big problems that arise in shared lives becomes increasingly difficult.

Much of the success of the Mars-Venus paradigm comes from giving couples the tools to cure this essential breakdown in communication. Dozens and dozens of small wounds add up over time to hurts that are often too large to heal. At the root of the problem is that men and women instinctively communicate in different ways. This inability to clearly communicate with words our true feelings to our partners can lead to many simple misunderstandings that grow into big problems.
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