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Do Men And Women Instinctively Know How To Support Each Other? 
 
Article by Dr. John Gray

Do Men And Women Instinctively Know How To Support Each Other?
 
By Dr. John Gray, taken from http://www.marsvenus.com/
 
Exploring the Home Improvement Committee...

New information that is proving tremendously helpful is that there is a big difference between men's and women's problem solving strategies.

This article takes a look at what we will call the "Home Improvement Committee." The Home Improvement Committee is a woman's (Venusian) instinctive mannerism of offering "helpful suggestions" to the men in her life. She also does the same thing with the women in her life but with a very different result.

Women offer these suggestions to men as supportive gestures, or loving reminders, i.e. "home improvement". Note that their intentions are good. However, they are often interpreted by men as "mothering" or, even worse, "smothering" behavior.

In a recent poll on MarsVenus.com, 83% of women responded that they believe they're the fixers of relationships while 70% of men say that they're the ones doing the repair work for the relationship.
 
How can it be that we're all working on the relationships, even thinking we are working harder than our spouses, and yet there is so much strife between couples?

This perception difference is a huge stumbling block in relationships, since partners are apparently failing to recognize the efforts their better half is making.

When men sense a problem in their relationship, they become "Mr. Fix It". Men tend to search for solutions right away, whereas women prefer to explore their feelings first.

A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's feelings, but because his needs are different from hers, she doesn't naturally understand them. Instead, she gives the help that she would like to receive - a common problem that both men and women have when trying to fix a situation. While her behavior may be well-intentioned, this doesn't correctly address the way to fix the problem.

Men like to work out problems on their own. For them, seeking help is a sign of weakness. So her giving him advice may be interpreted to mean that she thinks he is weak.

Also, when a couple disagrees and the man finally comes up with a solution to their problem, if a woman resists the solution he offers because she is trying to give him her best advice, there is miscommunication. If she is stuck on "the home improvement committee", this makes him feel weak, mistrusted, unappreciated, and eventually after a while he stops making the effort because it is resisted. Then he stops caring too. The result is that his willingness to listen to her understandably lessens because he is feeling she is not hearing him.

Women must remember that unsolicited advice or criticism makes a man feel unloved and controlled. Both need to be able to better recognize the efforts that the other person is making which they don't intuitively understand. Once men feel accepted as they are, then they are more likely to ask for feedback and advice.

The next time your guy tries to help your relationship, thank him for his effort and remember not to dwell on what he hasn't yet done. Men like to feel appreciated - it's one of their most basic primary needs. If you can resist the temptation to change or improve him, he will feel empowered and will be that much more willing to do more later.

When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to be aware of your feelings so he can take those into his consideration.

If you're a man and your partner is stuck in the home improvement committee, recognize she is trying to support you in the way that comes naturally for a woman. So here's a suggestion you might give her to help her in her efforts to support you:

Let her know that you love and appreciate her helpful thoughts - and share with her honestly how they make you feel. Most women have no idea that their attempts to improve their partner make him feel bad. Remind her that you're not telling her that she is bad or wrong, just that your needs are different than hers.
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God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens

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Jim Stephens
The Marriage Library