Amid our purity pledges and attempts to make
chastity hip, we forgot to teach young Christians
how to tie the knot.
Parents and pastors and youth group leaders
told us not to have sex before we got married.
Why? Because the Bible says so. Yet that simple
message didn't go very far in shaping today's
sexual decision-making.
So they kicked it up a notch and staked a
battle over virginity, with pledges of abstinence
and accountability structures to maintain the
power of the imperative to not do what many of us
felt like doing. Some of us failed, but we could
become "born again virgins." Virginity mattered.
"Sex will be so much better if you wait until
your wedding night," they urged. If we could hold
out, they said, it would be worth it. The sheer
glory of consummation would knock our socks off.
Such is the prevailing discourse of
abstinence culture in contemporary American
evangelicalism. The problem is that not all
abstainers end up happy or go on to the great sex
lives they were promised. Nor do all indulgers
become miserable or marital train wrecks.
Indeed, over 90 percent of American adults
experience sexual intercourse before
marrying. In a nationally representative
study of young adults, just under 80 percent of
unmarried, church- going, conservative Protestants
who are currently dating someone are having sex of
some sort.
What to do? Intensify the abstinence message
even more? No. It won't work. The message must
change, because our preoccupation with sex has
unwittingly turned our attention away from the
damage that Americans-including evangelicals-are
doing to the institution of marriage by
discouraging it and delaying it.
Americans are taking flight from marriage. We
are marrying later, if at all, and having fewer
children.
In societies like ours that exhibit lengthy
economic prosperity, men and women alike begin to
lose motivation to marry and have children.
Research shows that the institution of marriage
remains a foundational good for individuals and
communities.
It is, however, an institution under extreme
duress in America. In the past 35 years, the
number of independent female households in the
U.S. has grown by 65 percent, while the share of
independent male households has skyrocketed,
leaping 120 percent. As a result, fewer than half
of all American households today are made up of
married couples.
The median age at first marriage, which has
risen from 21 for women and 23 for men in 1970 to
where it stands today: 26 for women and 28 for
men, the highest figures since the Census Bureau
started collecting data about it. That's five
additional, long years of peak sexual interest and
fertility. (And remember, those numbers are
medians: for every man marrying at 22, there's one
marrying for the first time at 34.)
When people wait until their mid-to-late 20s
to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to
refrain from sex. It's battling our Creator's
reproductive designs. The data don't lie.
Meanwhile, women's fertility is more or less
fixed, yet Americans are increasingly ignoring it
during their 20s, only to beg and pray to reclaim
it in their 30s and 40s.
Unfortunately, American evangelicals have
another demographic concern: The ratio of devoutly
Christian young women to men is far from even.
Among evangelical churchgoers, there are about
three single women for every two single men. This
is the elephant in the corner of almost every
congregation-a shortage of young Christian men.
If she decides to marry, one in three women
has no choice but to marry down in terms of faith.
Many of the hopeful ones wait, watching their late
20s and early 30s arrive with no husband.
Men get the idea that they can indeed find
the ideal woman if they are patient enough. Life
expectancies nearing 80 years prompt many to
dabble with relationships in their 20s rather than
commit to a life of "the same thing" for such a
long time. Men have few compelling reasons to
mature quickly.
As a result, many men postpone growing up.
Even their workplace performance is suffering:
earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by
20 percent since 1971, even after accounting for
inflation.
Unfortunately, a key developmental
institution for men, namely marriage, is the very
thing being postponed, thus perpetuating their
adolescence.
The shift has gone largely unnoticed over the
past half-century. As we finally climb toward
multigenerational economic success, we advise our
children to finish their education, to launch
their careers, and to become financially
independent, since dependence is weakness. "Don't
rush into a relationship," we caution them. "Hold
out for a spouse who displays real godliness."
"First loves aren't likely the best fit." "You
have plenty of time!" we now remind them.
The focus of 20-somethings has become less
about building mature relationships and fulfilling
responsibilities, and more about enjoying oneself,
traveling, and trying on identities and
relationships. After all the fun, it will be time
to settle down and get serious.
Most young Americans no longer think of
marriage as a formative institution, but rather as
the institution they enter once they think they
are fully formed.
Family scholars agree that there are several
issues that stress a young couple and potentiall
lead to divorce. Here are four of them. (Please
see all 5 in the
full article for extensive
details and also read some practical ways that
parents, friends, and the church can work to turn
such weaknesses into strengths.)
(1) Economic insecurity: Marrying young can
spell poverty, at least temporarily. Parents need
to reconsider ways they can best support the
marriage rather than stress it more.
(2) Immaturity and naïveté often characterize
young marriages. While unlearning
self-centeredness and acquiring a sacrificial side
aren't easy at any age, naïveté may actually
benefit youth because they have not developed
ingrained preferences and habits. Young adults are
inexperienced, but they are not intrinsically
incompetent at marriage.
(3) A Poor Match: Chemistry is the new
watchword as we meld marriage with science. But
the emphasis is misplaced. Successful marriages
are less about the right personalities than about
the right practices.
(4) Unrealistic expectations: Today's young
adults show tremendous optimism and sense they are
entitled to a great marriage. A good marriage is
hard work and its challenges often begin
immediately.
In reality, spouses learn marriage, just
like they learn communication, child-rearing, or
making love. Unfortunately, education about
marriage is now sadly perceived as self-obvious,
juvenile, or feminine, the domain of disparaged
home economics courses. Nothing could be further
from the truth.
The importance of Christian marriage as a
symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his
people will only grow in significance as the wider
Western culture diminishes both the meaning and
actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself
will become a witness to the gospel.
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(Oxford, 2007). He's an
associate professor of sociology at the University
of Texas, Austin, where he lives with his wife,
Deeann, and their three children.
