The Necessary First Step In Relationship Improvement
Excerpt from the book By Steven Stosny and Pat Love
Improving, appreciating, connecting, and protecting create closer connection. The opposite of devaluing, they are powerful weapons against reactivity. Here's an example of the four inspirations in action.
Maria was fed up with Toby's giving her the cold shoulder. Sometimes she thought that he could easily spend the rest of his life sulking on the sofa. Her usual reaction was to try to make conversation, but her efforts typically yielded only one-word responses. Eventually she'd confront him about his coldness, which, of course, he would deny, implying that she was too sensitive or too demanding.
But this time, after attending one of our seminars, Maria tried to think of what she could do to make herself feel better. She got out their wedding pictures. Just the thought of doing this made her feel more than a little better; as she paged through the album, she started to feel happy. She felt so good that she shared the pictures with Toby. Her genuine warmth about the pictures - very different from nagging him about his coldness - warmed him up, and he too enjoyed the photos. Before they were finished, he apologized for his sulking - the same sulking he had vigorously denied.
It's important to note that they would not have connected in this way had Maria tried to think of a way to bring Toby around. Then she would have come off as manipulative.
Sharing the pictures worked to warm up Toby only because it had genuinely warmed up Maria; he merely reacted to her warmth. The change had to occur in Maria first.
Her intention was to make herself feel a little better, not share the pictures with Toby. Once her core value was activated - she became the person she most wants to be - she naturally chose to connect with her husband by sharing the pictures with him and thereby became the life partner she most wants to be.
The real shift in Maria carne less from the photos than from her inspiration to improve. She would have felt better looking at the pictures - or anything else she valued - whether or not she also chose to appreciate her relationship, connect with Toby, and protect him from his self-destructive sulking. And she would have felt better acting on her inspiration to improve even if Toby had chosen to go on sulking after she brought him the photos. She would not have allowed his resentful behavior to control her core values.
That's why the inspiration to improve is a no-lose venture, even if it does not always bring about connection.
The capacity to stay true to your deepest values - and thereby transform most of your fear and shame - lies entirely within you. If you remain true to your answers to the "most important" questions, you will most likely have a strong connection with your partner. And in the end, you will judge yourself by your own efforts and behavior, not by your partner's.
On your deathbed, you won't regret what he/she did or did not do; you'll think about your fidelity to the most important things about you. When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself these questions:
Am I acting like the person I most want to be? If not, what can I do to act like that person? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect.
Am I being the partner I want to be? If not, what can I do to be that kind of partner? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect.
Remaining true to your core values, regardless of what your partner does, is the necessary first step in relationship improvement.
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Taken from Chapter 7 of How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens
