The Ten Minute Venus Talk All About Her Feelings
By John Gray
The guidelines of a Venus Talk help to ensure the same benefits a woman would get from regular therapy. Over time, she will get even more benefits, because she will begin to experience a new kind of intimacy with her partner that few couples ever experience.
In addition to a greater understanding of how she feels, regularly scheduled Venus Talks make him more sensitive to her needs and give him more awareness, motivation, and energy to support her.
How Venus Talks Work
A Venus Talk can only work when both the man and woman have the same goal. She can't expect him to apologize or promise to do something differently. She cannot expect him to prove his empathy in any way. Instead, she just shares, and he listens.
A woman needs to remind a man each time they have a Venus Talk that he does not have to solve her problems. This is as new for him as it is for her. By reminding him that he doesn't have to say anything or fix anything, she is also reminding herself that she is not expecting him to do anything.
Scheduling Venus Talks
Instead of waiting for stress to build up, it is a good idea to schedule regular Venus Talks, just as you would a date or a therapy session. You should not wait until you have to talk. Just the pressure of having to get something out can restrict the production of oxytocin. Venus Talks are much more effective when they are planned, and a woman can look forward to that time.
A Venus Talk should ideally last about ten minutes and should be practiced at least three times a week.
During a Venus Talk, a woman needs to express how she feels about the stressful or difficult changes in her life, and her partner needs to listen and say occasionally, "Tell me more." He is not allowed to make comments, and she is not allowed to ask questions.
When the ten minutes are up, she thanks him, and he gives her a big hug. They generally do not talk about what she said, but if he wants to make a comment, he should wait for at least twelve hours.
Venus Talks are a powerful way for both men and women to reduce stress levels. Just as a woman's oxytocin levels go up when she talks, a man's testosterone levels go up when he feels he is making a difference.
Using the Venus Talking Points
During your Venus Talks, I recommend using the Venus Talking Points listed below. This simple guide includes six questions for you to answer about your day, your week, your past, your childhood, or simply whatever comes into your mind.
Our subconscious mind knows what is bothering us and will release our stress when given an opportunity. All we need to do is ask the questions and talk about what comes up. By taking a brief time to explore and express what feelings arise with each question, a woman will experience rising oxytocin levels and consequently lower stress.
The Venus Talking Points
* What makes you feel frustrated, angry, or annoyed?
* What makes you feel disappointed, sad, or hurt?
* What makes you feel afraid, worried, or scared?
* What makes you feel sorry, embarrassed, or ashamed?
* What do you wish, want, or need?
* What do you appreciate, understand, or trust?
Take about ninety seconds to answer each of the six questions and share whatever comes up. If the question is about feelings of anger, but feelings of sadness arise, then talk about what makes you sad, but do take a moment to consider what makes you angry. Use this guide to assist you in looking within and sharing whatever you find.
This Is How a Venus Talk Should Go:
1. He reads the first question.
2. She begins to talk.
3. After about ninety seconds, he says "thank you," and then asks her the next question.
4. If she stops talking before ninety seconds are up, he can say, "Thank you, tell me more."
5. At no time is he to offer her advice, suggest something for her to say, apologize, or promise to do something.
6. At no point is he expected to solve her problem or answer her questions.
7. This is a time for her to lower stress and develop the habit of non-goal-oriented sharing.
8. When they are done, she should say something like, "Thanks for listening, it really helps. I feel much better."
9. Big hug.
Some women like and need this structure, while others are very happy just to talk about what is stressful or bothering them, as in the scenario at the start of this chapter. I would suggest using the Venus Talking Points many times before you decide if you want to use them again. These questions have proved immensely helpful for millions of people. I have taught this technique in a variety of ways for more than twenty-five years.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens
