The Ten Minute Venus Talk - All About Her Stress
By John Gray
Venus Talks have another function. Scheduled Venus Talks, independent of fighting, can be a powerful strategy to help women relieve stress when they feel it mounting.
If women are to spend their days at work or isolated in their homes, they need to balance the increased testosterone that comes with feeling so responsible with ways to increase oxytocin.
Often, a woman's biggest complaint in her relationship with a man is that he doesn't listen. This scenario became relevant only recently, as her lifestyle now prevents her from having a community of other women with whom to share. In the past, women spent their days in the company of other women. They did not expect men to listen to the nuances of their feelings and reactions.
When women don't get a chance to talk throughout the day, they become stressed. When a woman returns home, she needs to share her feelings with her partner. If her need is not met, whatever else he does for her is experienced through a filter that says she is not getting enough from him.
We are naive to believe that we have to share everything with our partners if we are to be close and intimate. In a romantic relationship, intimacy contributes to the excitement and sense of fulfillment, but we don't have to say everything we think or feel at once; we can pick and choose what parts we share. It is always a mistake to look to our romantic partner to meet our every need.
Why Men Can Do It
Creating times just to talk generally doesn't work, because men have little to say. When he understands he is not expected to share in a Venus Talk, a man is much more willing to talk with his partner. If it can make her happy and it doesn't require him to be someone he is not, then he is willing to do it.
* If talking means she talks, and he listens to support her in feeling better, he can easily do that.
* If talking means she talks about her feelings and then expects him to talk about his feelings, it is another story.
* If she plans to talk about her feelings and also attempt to solve problems, the prospect is even more off-putting to a man.
Women may want to talk about feelings and solve problems at the same time. This is how they do it with their girlfriends, and this is how they want to do it at home. Expecting her partner to talk like a girlfriend sets a woman up for disappointment, and sets him up for failure. If she wants to solve problems with him, she needs to speak his language and remove the overlay of feelings.
In the past, women rarely went to men to talk about their feelings. It is only with the advent of therapy that women have expected men to explore and validate their feelings while also solving problems. This expectation is unrealistic and can cause serious friction in relationships.
At these times, it is not only smart but also an act of loving compassion and kindness for a man to prioritize a woman's need to talk about her feelings before focusing on solving problems.
Without understanding this, a man's testosterone levels would drop when he passively listens to his partner's feelings or her resistance to his action plans. Just listening to her feelings seems a no-win situation. When women talk about problems, men start to become restless, irritable, and then depressed. When he responds to her with these symptoms of resistance, she feels even more stressed.
Venus Talks help fill this void very efficiently. To help women cope with the stress of not being able to talk freely during the day, men can listen without any intention to fix and solve. Meanwhile, the woman talks without the intention to solve her problems, other than her basic need to bond. In this way she can share the details of her day without any specific desired outcome. When she simply shares her day, her oxytocin levels will begin to rise.
Just as men need to learn to listen, women need to practice sharing without expecting him to change in some way. If while sharing she also wants to teach him a lesson, improve his behavior, or make him feel bad, it will backfire. She would be using her negative feelings to motivate or change his behaviors. As a result he would feel manipulated by her feelings and emotions and eventually be more resistant to listening.
By not problem solving at a Venus Talk Meeting, she gets a chance to feel heard, and he can reflect on the things that he has heard. When she is done, she should say something like, "Thanks for listening. It really helps. I feel much better."
These simple words can make a world of difference. When a man has a very clear and workable job description, he can and will listen. When she is done, it is always good for her to walk away. Basically, he feels he has supported her by listening. If she then insists on his talking, it is as if he is being punished for doing a good deed.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens
