Marriage Is Like A Garden
 
By Scott Haltzman
 
Is it the first or second Saturday of the month? It matters to me, because on the first Saturday, I tend to my garden as usual. On the second Saturday, I fill up my "Miracle-Gro Lawn and Garden Feeder" with a packet of blue powder, screw on the lid, attach a hose, and fire away at my tomatoes, zucchini and brussel sprouts.
 
No, this isn't an advertisement for Miracle-Gro (really, I could use any fertilizer) and it's not even about gardening. I'm going to be talking about marriage in just a bit. But, for the time being, let's stick with my life as Dr. Green Jeans.
 
In past years, I would occasionally use fertilizer spray in the garden. Sometimes I'd buy a pack, and try to stretch it out over the whole summer. I think it helped, but my yields were low, and my plants never really took off. I said to myself, "I want the big beautiful plants and veggies that are shown on the side of the Miracle-Gro box." You know the pictures: they have a little photo of a feeble, barely-visible, hardly-flowering plant (the "untreated") sidled up to a photo of an enormous, fully blooming massive monster of a treated plant. That's what I wanted. So I had an idea: I read through the directions.
 
The instructions were right on the side of the box-not to hard to find at all.They said that I should use the blue powder every one to two weeks. Not once a month (or less) as I had been doing. So I changed my ways. Now, depending on whether it's an "on" week or an "off" week, you can reliably find me bluing up my garden. And it's working! My plants are towering over me, the leaves are green and healthy, and the veggies are coming fast and furious. We're giving away cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and leeks to friends and family.
 
Now that my garden is taken care of, lets talk about your marriage. How many times have you looked at another relationship where a couple seemingly has it all together? They hold hands, laugh together, finish each other's sentences, and can't wait to be together when they are apart? These couples are like the pictures on the side of the Miracle-Gro box. They're the "your marriage could look like this..." example, and you wouldn't mind a little of that in your life. You can get it! Only, instead of buying a lawn chemical and spraying it over yourselves, you have to fertilize your marriage regularly in a different way.
 
Like gardens, marriages need to be tended to and regularly given nurturing. It's not enough to occasionally douse your relationship with a kind word or a loving gesture. Happily married couples regularly fertilize their marriage by looking keenly for what their partner needs, and meeting those needs regularly.
 
When they argue, they treat each other lovingly, with respect, and they make an effort to listen before they jump in with their point of view. They fertilize their marriage with gifts of time, and occasionally material gifts as well, even if it's a flower or a poem.
 
Hey, we all do nice things for our spouse from time to time, and then wonder why the marriage isn't getting better. 
 
But if you're going to nurture the relationship, there are two factors that are key:
 
1) Make sure you use the right fertilizer.You have to learn what it is that your partner needs in order to meet that need. If I sprayed my garden with Kool-Aid every other week, I would feel self-satisfied that I'm working hard-but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be as happy with the result. What can you give to your partner that will nurture him or her? Does she prefer warm words or physical touch? Does he like to spend quiet time with you, or does he like when you joke around? Figure it out and then...
 
2) Make fertilizing a habit.I'm lucky with my garden; I only have to spray once every two weeks. But marriage requires daily feeding. Look for ways each day to meet your partner's needs, reduce the tension in the marriage and to build spiritual, intellectual and physical closeness.
 
Nurturing a marriage is much like taking care of a garden. You can't give any less than your marriage requires.
 
Regular attention can yield great results.
 
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