By John Gray
 
Men somehow think they have been blessed with an ability to read the thoughts of others. Perhaps this is rooted in the ancient instincts of the hunter. After all it can be essential in hunting to sense your prey's next move.
 
In truth, anticipating what your mate is going to say is well beyond your capability. While at times women attempt to do this with their partners it is more often men that step out onto this very thin ice.
 
Faulty communication between the sexes is largely due to mistaken assumptions. 
 
One of the most common of those mistaken assumptions is what we can call mind reading. Since men and women do not realize how different they are, they assume that they know what the other is thinking or feeling before it has been clearly stated.
 
True, women are often fairly accurate when mind reading other women because of similar reactions.
 
Likewise, men can accurately predict the reactions of other men.
 
But when men and women start mind reading each other, trouble is all but inevitable.
 
For example, sometimes in a conversation a man prematurely decides that he knows what a woman is saying. His error lies in assuming that she thinks like he does. He thinks that she started out to make a point in the same way he would make a point. He listens for a while and then before she is finished, he impatiently says, "I got it, I got it!" This works fine with another man, but to a woman his statement is preposterous.
 
She knows that he can't know what she intends to say, because many times even she doesn't know what lies at the end of her thought. She simply knows that by expressing her feelings, her issue will take its final form. While sharing, she is in the process of finding out what she feels, thinks, or wants.
 
A man needs to remember that just as he has to think through his problems BEFORE talking about them, a woman needs to talk about her problems before she will have a definite opinion.
 
A man needs to understand that if a woman needs to talk and if his desire is to support her, as it certainly should be, then his purpose in listening is not just to get the gist of what she is saying but more importantly to help her get to that point herself. As she expresses herself without being interrupted, her view might change midstream or she might even completely change the subject. She may ask questions and then she'll start answering her own questions as well.
 
By expecting this to happen, he can avoid feeling frustrated. If she feels overwhelmed by difficulties, just by talking about them she may feel better.
 
The "art of mindreading" is not an art at all like most men might think. It is a stumbling block on the path to open and effective communication. More often than not, it's a distraction.
 
A simple lesson, especially for men: Resist the instinct to anticipate in your conversations with women and cultivate the patience to listen. You may just learn several things beyond anything you ever imagined.

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Based on John Gray's recent book, "Why Mars and Venus Collide."

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