11. Set Boundaries Respectfully
When you want to refuse your partner's requests, do so in a quiet yet firm way. For example, suppose that your spouse wants to talk to you about a non-pressing matter at a time when you're busy with something urgent. A soft, yet assertive "I can't talk now - I'm in the middle of something" will save you from having to raise your voice.
Learning to talk respectfully but assertively will reduce the decibel level in your home, and it will prevent many disagreements from snowballing into major conflicts.
12. Be Loving
Be affectionate. Open up and express with words your love for your spouse. People need to feel loved, so be sure your mate hears these words often.
13. Don't Compare
Don't compare your partner to others. There is always someone else who will seem better than your spouse in some way (until, of course, you've married that person). So save yourself misery and avoid comparing.
14. Verbalize Your Needs
Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Instead, verbalize your needs, and give your mate a chance to respond.
Knowing that Howie often liked tea in the early afternoon, Susan asked if he would like her to make him some. To be polite, he replied, "No, don't trouble yourself," even though he would have loved a cup just then. Susan was very busy at the time, so since Howie told her not to bother, she didn't. Howie then said to himself, "If she really cared about me, she would have made me that tea. She must have realized I was just trying to be nice when I told her not to bother." Clearly, Howie does not communicate his desires well, and expects Susan to read his mind, which is really asking for trouble.
In the following statements, the speaker is verbalizing his needs to prevent feeling hurt afterward.
· "Next week is our anniversary. I know I'll be hurt if we don't go out to dinner or do something else to celebrate it. So could we please do something like that?"
· "I need more displays of affection from you throughout the day - smiling at me more, talking to me more softly, maybe telling me 'I love you' sometimes. I don't know why, I just need it. Would you do this for me?"
Being so direct in asking for what you want might not seem as romantic as having your partner intuit your desires, but it's a lot better than feeling disappointed and getting into fights!
15. Don't Criticize in Public
Be careful not to criticize your spouse in front of others. Doing so will embarrass your mate and will weaken the bond of intimacy in your relationship.
Criticizing your partner in the presence of your children is equally bad since it can cause your kids to disrespect your spouse.