Ten Effective Alternatives To Nagging - Part 1
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Let's face it. Relationships can be frustrating sometimes. They can be particularly frustrating when we want something from our partners and they resist doing it.
And when nothing changes, we find ourselves saying the same thing over and over and over. In other words, we nag. It would be one thing if nagging worked, but the truth is, not only doesn't it work, it usually breeds hostility and distance.
And when two people feel hostile and distant, they are even less likely to cooperate with each other. In fact, a recent study suggests that persistent nagging corrodes the foundation even more than infidelity. Isn't that amazing?
But what besides nagging can you do if you really need to get through to your spouse? Take a deep breath. The following are ten effective nagging alternatives.
1. Ask for what you want rather than complain.
When we want our partners to do something they haven't been doing, we usually complain about the past rather than ask for what we want in the future.
We say, "I can't stand it when you leave your dirty dishes on the sink," instead of, "It means a lot to me when you remember to put your dishes in the dishwasher. I would appreciate it if you did that more often. It would be great."
When we complain, our spouses become defensive and less likely to want to fulfill our wishes.
Remember, talk about what you want, not what you're unhappy about.
2. Be very specific.
When you ask for something, make sure you are concrete, using action-oriented words.
For instance, instead of saying, "I wish you were more affectionate (a vague term)," Say "I really like it when you hold my hand in public or when you sit next to me on the couch while we watch television." Here's another example. Instead of saying, "You need to be more thoughtful around my friend," say, "My friend is very sensitive about her weight and it would be great if you didn't talk about how much weight you've lost when she's here."
If you're not specific, your spouse will fill in the blanks and oftentimes do it incorrectly. Don't take that chance, use action-oriented requests.
3. Set your sites on small changes first.
Don't be too ambitious with your requests or they will be overwhelming.
Only ask your spouse to do something that can be accomplished in one week.
For example, a man complained that his wife had piles in every room in the house. His desire was for her to clean the whole house. That was a gigantic goal. So, I helped him break it down into do-able steps. He asked his wife if she could just start with the home office and do that in one week. She was able to agree to that and upon completion, they both felt great which motivated her to keep going to the next room and so on, until the entire house was straightened up!
