Relationships Naturally Go Downhill Without Investment - Part 1
By John Gray
With new strategies based on our hormonal differences, together we can overcome the increasing tendency for men to become more passive and women to become more demanding over time in a relationship.
It is vital to remember that these caring and trusting behaviors are automatic in a NEW relationship, but the behaviors change as times sets in.
Expecting automatic romance in long-lasting relationships will set you up for failure and rejection.
Expecting your partner to repeat those early behaviors is especially unrealistic if he or she is under the influence of rising stress levels.
The irony in relationships is that in the beginning we instinctively do the very things that stimulate high levels of testosterone in men and oxytocin in women, but as time passes, we resist doing the very things that will make us feel great.
Study the following chart to see if you recognize how our behavior commonly changes over time. Notice how the first two lines of behavior would produce testosterone for the man and oxytocin for the woman. However, the second two lines will do the opposite, suppress those hormones.
He plans dates...
She is delighted by his plans...
She seeks to improve on his plans...
He waits to find out what she wants to do.
He is interested in what she did that day...
She talks about the problems of her day...
Assuming he already knows about her day, he just says hi and reads the news...
She expresses feelings or complaints about him or their relationship.
He gives her compliments and makes reassuring gestures that she is loved...
She shares her concerns and worries...
Assuming that she already knows he loves her, he stops...
Knowing that he will try to solve things, she shares her concerns and worries about him.
He shares his hopes, plans, and dreams...
She admires his ideas and plans...
In an attempt to help him, she points out what is wrong or missing in his plans...
To avoid criticism or correction, he keeps them hidden.
He does a variety of little things to make her happy...
She enjoys doing many things for him...
He just focuses on the big things like making a living and providing for her...
She feels burdened by having to do so much.
He takes plenty of time in sex so that her needs are met...
She enjoys having sex...
She feels too tired, overwhelmed, or stressed to have sex..
He assumes she doesn't need or want more time.
When we are in the honeymoon stage, it is easy to be impervious to the many stresses in our lives. Once the newness of love has passed, we inevitably become vulnerable to that massive stress.
If you can just remember that your partner's loving behavior was just a glimpse of how you can be together, it creates hope instead of despair. Such a vision should motivate you to take responsibility for your happiness without blaming your partner. This attitude will free you to give your love unconditionally.
