Tips 16 - 20

16. Be Careful With the Kids

Don't allow your children to disturb your marital harmony. Here are two things you can do to help ensure that this does not happen:

· Give your spouse priority over your kids. When each competes for your time, put your mate first as much as you can. Realize that being a good spouse is probably the most important role model you can give your children.

· Don't make your spouse into the family police officer. Avoid saying things such as, "Wait 'till your father comes home!" or "We'll see what your mother says to that!" Your partner will not appreciate having to be the disciplinarian in the family because you're not strong enough to discipline your children yourself.

17. Watch Out in the Beginning

Be prepared for problems in the beginning of your marriage. Statistics show that the first year of marriage is the time couples are most likely to divorce, followed by the second year. So don't put yourself under too much stress during those two years. This is not the time to start your own business or change careers. Instead, remove as much outside strain from your life as possible so you can focus your energy on working out whatever problems arise in your marriage. You and your partner have to learn to share a life together, and that's not an easy task.

18. Minimize Monetary Conflicts

Disagreements about money issues are among the most common causes of conflict among couples. In fact, when the Association of Bridal Consultants asked newlyweds to note which topic caused their most serious arguments during their first year of marriage, 67 percent said it was how their money should be spent.

If you find yourselves arguing over money, work out a system the two of you can live with. Here is how two couples worked out their money matters.

Brad and Jennifer have three separate checking accounts - one for him, one for her, and a joint account. When they get their monthly paychecks, they deposit these into their separate accounts and then contribute an agreed-upon sum to their joint account. Every time a bill comes in for a shared expense - such as the mortgage or the electric bill - they pay it from their joint account. When they want to save for the future, they both put equal amounts into a joint savings account. This system works for them because they're each willing to pay a bit more than their share to preserve marital harmony. For example, if Brad thinks that Jennifer is on the phone a lot one month, he doesn't ask her to pay most of that month's phone bill. He knows the bill is small and that it's not worth risking a potential argument over it. And when Jennifer sees that Brad makes a ten-minute overseas call that she feels is unnecessary, she says nothing for the same reason. Thus, although they set up a 50-50 system, each has an attitude of ignoring the little things even if that means their relationship may in fact be 40-60 or even sometimes 30-70. They realize that in fighting for a perfectly fair system, they'll lose more than they'll gain.

Kevin and Laura have a joint checking account into which they deposit their monthly paychecks. They worked out an arrangement whereby each may spend $100 a month on anything they want without consulting the other. Although Kevin earns more than Laura, and thus might deserve to spend more than she does, he realizes that she does more of the housework, and therefore agreed that they could spend equal amounts.

19. Have Conflict Resolution Time

Set aside time to work out the problems that keep recurring in your relationship. This should be a time when both of you are relaxed and willing to discuss these matters. Otherwise, the issues might arise at times when you may not have the patience and goodwill necessary to deal with them.

20. Look for Solutions

Focus on finding solutions to your problems. Here are some examples:

· If your mate complains that you're making too much noise, don't argue back and say it's not true. Instead, find ways to lessen the noise, such as by being quieter or moving to another part of the house.

· If your spouse likes to leave clothing on the floor, don't go on the attack and call him or her a slob. Instead, look for a solution. For example, offer to put a box on the floor in the corner of the room where your partner can leave the clothing.

If you concentrate on finding solutions, you'll avoid many conflicts.