What To Do When Your Man Pulls Away
By John Gray
You and your partner are getting along just fine and, with no notice, something changes. He's no longer attentive to your needs, it feels like he hasn't asked you how you are in days, and there is a cold wind blowing through your bedroom. Your Martian has suddenly exited the building and he forgot to tell you he was going, or when he would return! Worse yet, you're not sure if it's your fault that he has pulled away!
This behavior change often occurs when stress has invaded a relationship and especially when it appears in a man's life.
For most men, the natural reaction to stress is to pull away to deal with the problem. While most women intellectually understand a man's need to pull away, they tell us that it simply feels awful to them. Before a relationship can feel truly fulfilling to a woman, she needs to learn how to deal with this very necessary male behavior. Women also need to learn to recognize what is legitimate "cave" behavior, and when he is simply trying to avoid conflict or responsibility.
To begin, when a man is upset or stressed, he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave." No one else is allowed in that cave, not even his best friends. This doesn't mean that there is a problem in the relationship; it simply means that he has a problem that he's trying to solve and he isn't ready to talk about it, or ask for help. In fact, asking for help is the last thing a man in his cave would do because he is in there trying to solve the problem on his own. Remember, male self-esteem is based in part on his ability to solve problems, and to accomplish the things necessary to be a good man, and partner. Once he has enough time to either come to a solution, or he realizes he needs assistance, he will come out.
If it feels like your partner has pulled away because of stress, the most helpful thing that you can do is to trust that he will return when he's ready and able. On the other hand, if you feel that there's a bigger issue related to your relationship that he is avoiding, you need to communicate your feelings to him in a way that he is open to hearing. Men and women have very different communication styles, and women need to learn to speak "their language" if they want to encourage men to talk about something they're avoiding. How many times have we offered a "helpful" comment to our partner only to have it blow up into a big misunderstanding?
Below are a few pointers for talking to a Martian:
* Keep it brief. Before you open up to him, make sure that you are clear on what you want to say.
If you're not clear, practice before talking to him. You also want to be sure that whomever you practice with will not judge you or your situation; it could cloud your ability to really work through what you need to say.
* Stay positive. If you find yourself wanting to get angry, blame him, or argue, then this is the wrong time to talk. That is exactly the time to talk to a girlfriend, coach, or someone you trust to fully express your feelings.
Often the solution is right in front of us and we can't see it because we're too close to the problem. What feels like impending doom may be something quite harmless... and, unfortunately, sometimes what seems like a small problem may be hiding a canyon of issues that need to be dealt with.
