Ten Effective Alternatives To Nagging - Part 3

By Michele Weiner-Davis

Let's face it. Relationships can be frustrating sometimes. They can be particularly frustrating when we want something from our partners and they resist doing it.

And when nothing changes, we find ourselves saying the same thing over and over and over. In other words, we nag. It would be one thing if nagging worked, but the truth is, not only doesn't it work, it usually breeds hostility and distance.

But what besides nagging can you do if you really need to get through to your spouse? Take a deep breath. The following are ten effective nagging alternatives. (The first 6 were in the Tips from yesterday and the day before. - Jim)

7. Stop talking, just do it.

If you've asked and asked and asked your spouse to do something to no avail, STOP ASKING.

Begin to take matters into your own hands. That often gets your spouse motivated to participate or even take full responsibility for getting the task done. For example, a woman I know asked her husband to fix a step leading up to their back porch. When that didn't work, she nagged. And when that didn't work, she nagged some more.   Finally, she got so fed up, she went to his tool box, took out a hammer and started fixing the step herself (within his sight, of course). Within two minutes, he got up out of his chair and started "supervising" her, took the hammer from her hand and completed the project himself.

Stop asking, start doing or start hiring.

8. Emphasize the positive.

Despite the fact that your spouse's behavior might need shaping, there probably are times when he or she gets it right.

Unfortunately, we tend to pay more attention to things when they go wrong than when they go right. Fix this. The next time your spouse does what you ask, even if it isn't perfect, let him or her know that you notice and that you appreciate it. Bring on the fanfare. When you do, you will increase the odds that your spouse will want to please you.

9. Reward positive behavior.

Besides complimenting your spouse when he or she gets things right, you might think about creative ways to reward him or her. You might suggest a special night out on the town, creative new sex ideas, or an offer to watch the kids so that he or she can spend some time with friends.

It doesn't have to be expensive, just a thoughtful act will do. But make sure that the reward is something that your spouse will find meaningful and rewarding.

10. Express general appreciation.

In addition to offering compliments when your spouse is making an effort to do what you ask, it is also a good idea to express appreciation whenever you think of it regarding anything at all.

Appreciation builds good will which is the foundation for healthy relationships where there is mutual caretaking, love and respect. We all like acknowledgment for our efforts to be good human beings and loving partners. Give your spouse at least three compliments a day and watch how quickly relationship change takes place.