"What Did I Just Say?" and Other Things Not to Say To Kids

By Denis Donovan, MD

Children's Center for Developmental Psychiatry

Tired of trying to get your children to behave? The problem might be simply a matter of miscommunication...

Don't use a question instead of a command. Parents often question their kids instead of telling them what to do.

Don't ask an "empty" question -- one that doesn't even hint at what you want the child to do.

Example: A woman who wants her son to stop pushing boxes around in a toy store asks, "Do you want a spanking?" The child keeps pushing. Louder, she asks, "What did I just say?" Still no response. The child does not connect her questions with his actions. She should directly state what she wants him to do -- "Stop pushing those boxes."

Don't pose negative questions -- which invite negative responses.

Example: When you ask your child, "Can't you clean your room?" he/she is likely to respond with a simple "No." Or he will think, "Sure. But I don't want to." Again, just tell him, "Clean your room."

Don't end statements with "okay?" or "all right?" Parents who do this may be looking for acknowledgment that the child has heard them -- "Put on your boots, okay?"... "We're going to be leaving soon, all right?" But the child thinks he is being asked for his permission. Simply state what you want your child to do -- "Put on your boots."

Don't speak as "we". When you use "we", you take responsibility for the very behavior you are trying to influence. Your child hears "we" and decides that no action is required of him.

Examples: "We're going to do better on our homework next time."... "Shall we take out the garbage?"

Say "you" when you want your child to take responsibility.

Don't refer to yourself as Mommy or Daddy. Parents tend to do this as a way of maintaining a connection with their children. It is easier to say, "Don't talk that way to Daddy" or "Don't pull Mommy's hair" than it is to admit that your child is not being nice to you.

Children over age two-and-a-half use and understand personal pronouns, such as I and me, and possessives, such as my or mine. "Don't talk that way to me"... "Don't pull my hair."

Don't depersonalize objectionable behavior by saying "it". When you use the word "it", you are not specific about what your child did. Describe exactly what bothered you so your child can take responsibility.

Examples: Instead of saying, "It was a terrible day," say, "You misbehaved all day." Instead of "It was one of the most embarrassing experiences I ever had," say, "When you told your teacher to bug off during the parent-teacher conference, I was really embarrassed."

Don't explain. Some parents always explain why they are asking children to do something -- "Don't run into the street or you'll get hit by a car"... "Stop interrupting. It's rude."

Always giving kids reasons trains them to automatically ignore any command that is not accompanied by an explanation. They will always ask, "Why?" before they listen. Issue the command with no explanation. If your child asks why, reply, "Because I say so." Many parents are surprised to find that children accept this -- and listen.

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Denis Donovan, MD, medical director, Children's Center for Developmental Psychiatry, St. Petersburg, Florida. He is coauthor of What Did I Just Say!?! (Holt) (available in many libraries).