Tips 21 - 25

21. Be Forgiving

When you're upset with your spouse, be forgiving. Realize that we all have flaws, and that each of us makes mistakes occasionally. It's part of being human.

Think of all the mistakes you've made in the past. Since you can forgive yourself for all of those misdeeds, it's only fair that you be able to forgive others for theirs as well.

Realize that when you forgive your partner, you're not saying that what he or she did was okay. You're saying that you choose not to let it get in the way of your relationship.

A wise man once said, "Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness." Love by itself just won't cut the ice.

22. Minimize Criticisms

Minimize the number of times you criticize your spouse. Marriage researchers Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., and Howard Markman, Ph.D., say one put-down can "undo hours of kindness you give to your partner."

So look the other way as much as you can. If you feel your mate's behavior is only slightly wrong or will probably not recur in the future, ignore it. You'll save yourself many needless quarrels.

It's been said that the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one often consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. Keep that in mind the next time you want to criticize your spouse.

Definitely keep quiet if you think your partner knows he or she did something wrong. For example, if your wife breaks a dish or your husband has a fender-bender, it's not necessary to say, "Be more careful next time." Your mate realizes that already.

23. Correct at the Right Times

If you feel that you must criticize your partner, make sure you're calm before you begin speaking. When you're upset your words may come out too sharply.

Similarly, don't rebuke your spouse at a time when he or she is under stress. Your rebuke will probably not be heeded at that time anyway, and you may provoke a major battle. Have patience and wait for the right time.

24. Forget "Always" and "Never"

When your mate does something wrong, don't exaggerate the offense. For example, if your husband often leaves a mess in the kitchen, don't tell yourself, "He always leaves a mess for me to clean up!" If your wife is frequently late, don't say to yourself, "She is never on time!" Thinking in exaggerated terms is a bad habit. Not only does it make you more angry, it's probably also untrue. It's unlikely that someone always leaves messes or is never on time.

So don't let yourself think this way. Replace words such as "always" and "never" with words like "often" or "sometimes." You will feel much less angry inside.

25. Don't Give Up

Realize that even in the best marriages couples sometimes have conflicts. The "happily ever after" ending so commonly found in our films, theater and literature is not true. A realistic portrayal of a good, happy marriage is one in which two people sometimes argue but are able to work out their differences peacefully.

So if you and your spouse are not getting along well, don't give up. Try to work on your relationship.