Tips 26 - 30

Guidelines for Arguing

26. Stay in the Present

Don't raise past misdeeds to score points. It's not fair to throw back at a person an old incident, something that occurred months or even years ago. If you do, your partner is likely to resent you for it, and you'll create much ill will. Instead, stick to the issue at hand.

27. Watch Your Behavior

Monitor your behavior when you argue. Don't get violent or use sharp language. You can never go back in time and undo what you say or do, so be careful. Realize that a few moments of physical roughness or harsh words can seriously damage your relationship.

Keeping yourself calm will help you control your behavior. One easy way to do so is to take a few slow, deep breaths every few minutes.

If you find that you still can't control your words, be silent until you're more relaxed.

28. Take Time-Outs

Be sure to stop a destructive exchange of words. When your partner gets beyond the point of being civil and rational, or when you see yourself beginning to act in a destructive manner, put an end to the discussion. Say something like, "Let's continue this conversation later."

But if it's an important topic, don't just drop it. Be sure to raise the subject again at a time when you're both more relaxed.

If you wait until you've calmed down, you'll be surprised at how much easier it is to work out your disagreement.

29. Keep Up Your Responsibilities

No matter how angry you are with your spouse, don't stop doing what you're expected to do. If you're the one who cooks the meals, continue making those meals. If every Sunday you give your partner two hundred dollars spending money for the week, continue doing so. Don't change your behavior - it will make your fights much worse. Make a rule in advance with your mate that the two of you will continue your responsibilities no matter how angry you are with each other. And if your spouse refuses to keep such a rule, at least you keep it. When your partner sees you doing so, he or she will eventually follow suit.

30. Seek Outside Help

If disagreements with your spouse are interfering with the harmony of your marriage, don't be afraid to seek outside help. Couples therapy has greatly improved many marriages, and is certainly worth trying. Just make sure to find a therapist who's been trained in counseling couples.