Boost Your Partner's Self-Esteem - Part 1
By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
If your ability to boost your mate's self-esteem could use a boost, we have plenty of suggestions. Here are some practical and proven ways to encourage your spouse.
Be prepared for shock.
If we've had a long dry spell without encouragement, we may be flat-out shocked that our spouse would say a positive word. So if that's the case in your relationship, do your best to accept the praise without making him or her feel like a heel for not saying it sooner.
Uncover your spouse's sweet spot of praise.
What is it that your spouse really wants to hear from you? Is it that she's a good cook? Maybe. Is it that he's good at mowing the lawn? Maybe. But maybe your spouse is yearning to hear something else.
Maybe she wants to know that you admire the way she volunteers to help in the nursery at church or her gift for organizing your home. Maybe he's dying to be noticed for how he interacts with the children or how he provides financial security for your family.
The most meaningful admiration in your marriage will come from a sincere heart that notices what really matters - what your partner really values. So ask yourself what he or she feels most insecure about. And discover what he or she values. That is your partner's sweet spot of praise. And the more you compliment it, the more you admire it, the more on target this healthy habit will be.
Pay attention to the four legs of self-esteem.
In his helpful book That's Not What I Meant! Tim Stafford notes that our self-esteem stands on four legs: mental, social, physical, and spiritual. People need to feel capable mentally, likable socially, attractive physically, and vital spiritually.
Stafford points out that we need praise in each of these areas from our partner.
Your spouse wants to feel intellectually competent around you. He or she wants to know you recognize his or her sharp thinking. This is especially true if your spouse if often affirmed more in other areas. If she is often complimented on her appearance, for example, it is especially important that you recognize her mental abilities. Say things like, "I like the way you think," or "You are so good at conceptualizing a problem," or "You are really smart in that area."
Likewise, we all want to feel physically attractive - especially to our spouse. To boost up this area, say things like, "You look handsome in that shirt," or "I'm still knocked out by your smile," or "I like watching you move."
When it comes to social abilities, your spouse needs to know you respect him or her here, too. And they feel it most when you say things like "You're a good listener," or "You know just how I feel," or "I love hearing your voice on the phone."
And don't neglect your spouse's spiritual life. She needs to know you value how she relates to God. This comes through when you say things like, "I can see how you really depend on God," or "I admire how faithful you are studying your Bible," or "I look up to you in this area, did you know that?"
