Boost Your Partner's Self-Esteem - Part 2

By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

If your ability to boost your mate's self-esteem could use a boost, we have plenty of suggestions. Here are some (additional) practical and proven ways to encourage your spouse.

Focus on who your spouse is, not only on what he or she does.

We had just stepped onto the platform in the Rose Garden Arena in Portland, Oregon, where nearly 15 thousand people had assembled for a mega-marriage seminar. That night each of the six speakers was to give a brief overview of what we would be speaking on over the next couple of days. Just before Leslie and I went to the podium, our friend Gary Smalley captivated the crowd by holding up a crisp fifty-dollar bill and asking the massive audience, "Who would like this fifty-dollar bill?" Hands started going up everywhere. He said, "I am going to give this fifty dollars to one of you, but first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" The same hands went up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Again, hands went into the air.

"You have all learned a valuable lesson," Gary said. "No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It is still worth fifty dollars. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God's eyes. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are priceless to him."

Does your spouse need the same lesson that crowd in Portland learned? If so, this healthy habit will be particularly important to your marriage. Your spouse needs to know that your love, as well as God's love, is not dependent on how he looks or what he does.

Make a good list.

This is going to sound elementary and perfunctory, but it you take it seriously, the simple task we are about to give you is sure to pay big marital dividends.

Make a list of a half dozen things you appreciate about your spouse. Literally take the time to ponder this and write them down. It is essential that you be as specific as possible and focus on character traits - not just what he or she does for you. For example, you may appreciate the way your spouse arranges your clean laundry or turns down your bed at night, but the underlying character trait may be that she is thoughtful. You may appreciate that your husband always pays your bills on time, but the character trait may be that he is disciplined. You get the idea. Consider admirable traits such as being compassionate, generous, kind, devout, creative, elegant, honest, affectionate, energetic, gentle, optimistic, committed, faithful, confident, cheerful, and so on. For each character trait you identify, note two or three examples of how you typically notice it in your partner.

Give yourself some time to construct this list, but once you have it, we guarantee you that your spouse would love to see it. In fact, you may want to set aside specific time as a couple to share your lists.

Whether or not you do this, however, the real value of this exercise is found by keeping your list handy. Put it in your wallet. Place it on your desk. This will help you again and again in your efforts to boost your partner's self-esteem. As you review your list from time to time, it will help you be more aware of your partner's attributes and far more likely to compliment them.

Steer clear of flattery.

Before you heap words of encouragement and praise on your spouse, we have a big caution. Never do it insincerely. Your spouse has a built-in radar detector for phoniness. He or she knows when you are simply going through the motions, and you will do more harm than good if you simply say flattering words. Praise and admiration must reflect genuine feelings to have any value.

Without sincerity, praise becomes downright annoying and maybe even manipulative. Your wife doesn't want to hear that you think she's beautiful if what you really want is to have sex. And your husband doesn't want to hear how much you admire his skill at fixing things if you have a list of home projects you want him to take on. The bottom line? If you don't mean it, don't say it. Or, if you have an ulterior motive in saying it, keep quiet.

Final Thoughts on Giving and Receiving Praise

We would be remiss if we did not mention two more small bits of information on this healthy habit. First, be sure to accept appreciation gracefully. Some people want to brush it aside or play it down in an attempt to be humble. This never feels good to the person giving the praise. So don't discourage praise by questioning its merit. Instead, say, "Glad you like it," or "That's kind of you to notice."

Second, become aware of how good it feels to shower your partner in praise. Notice not just what it does for his or her spirit, but what it does for your own. George Burton Adams, and American educator and historian, said it nicely: "Note how good you feel after you have encouraged someone else. No other argument is necessary to suggest that you should never miss the opportunity to give encouragement."

From The Love List, copyright © 2002 by Les and Leslie Parrott.