A Husband's Mother Tongue - Respect

By Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Imagine you're a North American male living in Mongolia for a year. You don't know the Mongolian language nor, in those 12 months, have you heard a word of English. One day, in the marketplace among hundreds of Mongolians, all of whom are chattering away in what sounds like gibberish, someone shouts, "The Boston Red Sox won the World Series!"

Like light into darkness, that sentence penetrates the millions of unintelligible Mongolian expressions. That short string of words jerks your head. Hearing your mother tongue, you quickly find that person. You are hungry to talk with someone who understands you.

Today, in the land of marriage, a husband can feel like he is in Mongolia. He often hasn't heard his mother tongue - which means respectful talk - for a long time.

A crazy cycle

Take Tom and Lisa, for example. In courtship, he regularly heard respectful language from Lisa. "I believe in you. I admire you." Tom concluded that Lisa would always speak this way, at least more often than not.

It never dawned on him that Lisa's words would turn sullen and sour. After being married for several years, Tom heard less and less respect even though he continued to hear, "I love you."

At times, Tom failed to be as loving as he ought to be, so Lisa lost feelings of respect. She thought she'd be hypocritical to speak respectfully if she didn't feel it. She reasoned that he didn't deserve her respect. Even so, Lisa's love drove her to help Tom change, so she could respect him. Her "helpful" critique, however, backfired. "You need to be more sensitive . . . to say you're sorry . . . to listen to me more . . . to share your feelings . . . to tell me that you love me . . . to make me feel special," she'd drone.

Granted, these are relevant needs for Lisa, but her criticisms began to feel like contempt to her husband. Tom heard, "I don't accept who you are. I don't approve of you. I don't respect who you are as a human being." So Tom lost motivation to draw close to her. He felt like he was in Mongolia.

For Tom to be drawn toward her, Lisa must reintroduce expressions of respect into their relationship.

A new day

Why respect? When Lisa feels unloved, her tendency is to be disrespectful. Her disrespect is her futile attempt to motivate Tom to change. Her dark look, negative words and unsupportive actions are designed to send him a message: "You are hurting me. Be more loving!" But no husband has fond feelings of affection toward a woman he thinks despises him.

The turning point in a marriage occurs when a wife returns to speaking and acting respectfully, which is a choice just like love. As a husband hears his mother tongue, the words he hungers for - respect talk - he will push through the crowd, so to speak, to get to his wife.

Speaking the mother tongue

So, you wonder, what exactly is respect talk? It's simple: Return to the way you spoke to him in those early days of marriage.

* Tell him that you value his desire to work and achieve.

* Praise his desire to provide for and protect you.

* Thank him for his desire to be strong for you.

* Express appreciation for his desire to make good decisions.

* Thank him for his desire to give good advice.

* Tell him why you like him. (He already knows you love him.)

Sound unusual? Not any more than speaking English to an American in Mongolia.

Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs are founders of Love and Respect Ministries.