44 Ways You Respond Defensively Without Knowing It - Part 1

By Dr. Dan Wile

Much of the problem of defensiveness is that it is hard to recognize.

Perhaps reviewing this list of common responses will help couples recognize when they are being defensive and then they can decide to move past the defensiveness to try for honest, open communication.

Paul is watching the news when Marie appears at the door and says, "You never talk to me anymore."

What does Paul do? What almost everyone does in such a situation: he'll likely become defensive.

Many, many possible defensive responses occur to him, although he doesn't recognize them as such. He sees them simply as stating the truth, pointing out reality, and setting Marie straight. In fact, Paul would be astonished to hear his responses labeled "defensive," since they just seem to him the logical points to make.

Astonishing also is the length of the list - and it keeps going. The fact that it keeps going reveals how creative Paul is (as we all are) in coming up with defensive responses and in organizing counterattacks. Our partners, of course, are equally creative in countering our defensive responses and counterattacks.

The Multitude of Defensive Responses That Occur to Paul

In response to Marie's, "You never talk to me anymore," Paul could say any of the following:

Denying

1. That's not so; what are you talking about?: "I talk to you all the time."

2. Here's evidence: "What about Wednesday, when you were upset about your mother and we spent the whole evening talking about it?"

3. I was just about to do it: "I was just on my way to the kitchen to talk to you."

4. I'm an innocent bystander: "What have I done now? I've been sitting here bothering nobody, relaxing after a hard day, just wanting some peace and quiet. What's the big problem?"

Explaining (Making Excuses)

5. I didn't know you felt that way: "Why didn't you tell me you wanted to talk? I'm not a mind reader."

6. I thought it was what you wanted: "You were with people all day today. I thought you wanted time to yourself."

7. It's normal: "Married people talk a lot less after a few years. They've already said everything."

8. It's a simple misunderstanding: "I thought it was understood that we'd each take a little time for ourselves and then we'd talk."

9. We have different styles: "We're just used to different things. Your family talks a lot. In my family they hardly talk at all."

10. I'm just not good at it: "I don't have a knack for small talk. I never did."

11. There are extenuating circumstances: "I know I haven't been very communicative lately, but I've been under a lot of pressure at work."

Counterattacking. The principle underlying the third type of defensive response is that "the best defense is a good offense."

12. You do the same thing/You did it first/you do it, not me: "What about last night, when I was upset and wanted to talk and you spent the whole night working on a memo for the office?"

13. What you do is worse: "I'd talk to you more often if you weren't such a nag."

14. You're inconsistent: "Last Saturday after the party you said I talked too much. Make up your mind, will you?"

15. I did it only in reaction to what you did: "I'm not going to feel much like talking when you hit me with all the problems of the day before I even get my coat off."

Tomorrow will be responses numbered 16 to 44.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens