44 Ways You Respond Defensively Without Knowing It - Part 2

By Dr. Dan Wile

Much of the problem of defensiveness is that it is hard to recognize.

Perhaps reviewing this list of common responses will help couples recognize when they are being defensive and then they can decide to move past the defensiveness to try for honest, open communication.

Paul is watching the news when Marie appears at the door and says, "You never talk to me anymore."

What does Paul do? What almost everyone does in such a situation: he'll likely become defensive.

Many, many possible defensive responses occur to him, although he doesn't recognize them as such. He sees them simply as stating the truth, pointing out reality, and setting Marie straight. In fact, Paul would be astonished to hear his responses labeled "defensive," since they just seem to him the logical points to make.

Astonishing also is the length of the list - and it keeps going. The fact that it keeps going reveals how creative Paul is (as we all are) in coming up with defensive responses and in organizing counterattacks. Our partners, of course, are equally creative in countering our defensive responses and counterattacks.

The Multitude of Defensive Responses That Occur to Paul

In response to Marie's, "You never talk to me anymore," Paul could say any of the following. (the first 15 were in yesterday's Marriage Tip):

Defensive Responses

16. You go too far in the opposite direction: "You always have to talk everything into the ground."

17. What you see as a problem in me is actually a problem in you: "I just don't believe in gossiping."

18. I have a right: "I work all day taking care of other people's problems. I have a right to a little peace and quiet when I come home."

19. You should have told me: "How was I to know that you wanted to talk?"

20. You should have told me sooner: "If that's what's been bothering you, why did you wait so long to tell me about it? I hate the way you always brood about things and let them build up."

21. You should have told me in a nicer way: "Well, you don't have to be so nasty about it."

22. You knew what you were getting, so you have only yourself to blame: "You knew I wasn't much of a talker when you married me."

23. You should try to be more accepting: "You need to learn to accept people the way they are instead of trying to change them."

24. You have unrealistic expectations: "You can't expect just one person to satisfy all your needs."

25. It's your problem, so you should take care of it: "If you feel a need to talk, you should call up one of your friends."

26. You had the problem long before you met me: "You had the same complaint about your last two boyfriends. So the problem is you, not me."

27. You make the same complaint about everyone else; that ought to tell you something: "You say the same thing about your father and your brother."

28. You're immature (weak, inadequate, crazy, dependent): "You want a mother, not a husband."

29. You're a bottomless pit: "Nothing's ever going to satisfy you. Even if I talked more, you'd just find something else to complain about."

30. I'm your whipping boy: "I'm tired of your taking it out on me when it's really your boss (or your father) you're angry at."

31. You're putting up a smokescreen: "You're blaming me so you don't have to look at your own problems."

32. It's a minor infraction, which brings us to the real problem, which is that you always make such a big deal about everything: "I'm tired of your always complaining." Or "Why are you always so judgmental and hypercritical?" Or "Did we get up on the wrong side of the bed again?" Or "You must be getting your period." Or "You're oversensitive." Or "you're overreacting."

33. You've got a negative attitude: "Why can't you appreciate the good things we have instead of always dwelling on the bad? You worry about things too much and let them bother you more than you should."

34. You must enjoy being unhappy: "You're having a wonderful time feeling sorry for yourself, wallowing in self-pity, and crying about how awful everything is."

35. You're trying to control me: "You're always looking for ways to put me down. You're trying to manipulate me. You want me under your thumb."

36. Things have been too good between us lately, so you're trying to ruin them: "I don't think you want things to work out between us. I don't believe for a moment that you really think it's a problem You're looking for an excuse to feel things are bad. Well, I'm not going to play your game."

Self-Accusing. The purpose of the fourth type of response is not necessarily defensive-Paul may simply feel self-accusing. The effect, however, is to draw attention away from Marie's concern and to refocus it on himself.

37. You're right: "I blew it again. It's my fault. I keep letting you down. Maybe I'm just incapable of having an adult relationship."

Fixing (Rushing Past the Problem to Find a Solution)

38. I'll fix it: "Well, what exactly do you want to talk about?"

39. I've improved: "You must admit that I'm better than I used to be."

40. I'm trying: "I know it might not be apparent to you yet - I change very slowly-but for me, in my own way, I've made a lot of improvement."

41. I can't change, so you'll have to accept it-and that's the solution: "I've never been much of a talker. You'll just have to learn to live with it."

Withdrawing

42. Try to put her off: "Can't we talk about it later?"

43. Exit psychologically: Paul could shrug, say nothing, and remain detached for the rest of the evening. Later, he might close the door in such a way that Marie would be unable to tell whether or not he was slamming it.

44. Exit physically: "I'm not going to sit here and listen to this; I'm going out for some air."

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens