New Year's Resolution To Transform Your Marriage

By Sherry Suib Cohen

Every New Year, I resolve to streamline my body, be more spiritual, and never again get crabby. Every year, my resolutions fail. But this year things are going to be different because I've learned something marvelous: experts say that if my partner and I make resolutions together for the good of the marriage, the odds are in favor of resolutions that last.

"Team work wins goals," notes Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at West Texas A and M University, and author of The Essential Humility Of Marriage. "If a New Year's resolution is as good for him as it is for you - bet on success with the resolutions and a sweeter marriage."

"You're creating a support system when you're both involved in making the same resolutions work," adds Gilda Carle, Ph.D., professor of the psychology of communication at New York's Mercy College.

Resolve To Lighten Your Grab-Bag of Irritants

What if you each resolved to get rid of one thing (only one-how hard can it be?) that absolutely drives your partner bonkers? You might throw out one article of clothing he can't stand, or vow to forever stop nagging the nag that most irritates him - his kids from a previous marriage, Sunday football games, sloppiness. Or, he might resolve to lose his habit of cursing or his attitude about the nights when you go out with the girls, or he may even resolve (if he's a real doll) to stop criticizing your mom.

"It's an act of generosity to give up doing something you love to do but which your partner dislikes," says psychologist Blaine Fowers, Ph.D., associate professor in the Counseling Psychology program at the University of Miami. It says, 'I know I'm not perfect and I'm always going to irritate you in certain ways, but I pledge to you this New Years, that I won't annoy you any more, at least in this one thing---simply because I love you.'

When you put your tongue on hold when it comes to your most cherished nag-topic, when he gives his cherished lime tie (the one that makes you gag) to Goodwill, you both do the relationship a tremendous good, adds Dr. Carle.