New Year's Resolution To Transform Your Marriage - Part 2

By Sherry Suib Cohen

Every New Year, I resolve to streamline my body, be more spiritual, and never again get crabby. Every year, my resolutions fail. But this year things are going to be different because I've learned something marvelous: experts say that if my partner and I make resolutions together for the good of the marriage, the odds are in favor of resolutions that last.

"Team work wins goals," notes Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at West Texas A and M University, and author of The Essential Humility Of Marriage. "If a New Year's resolution is as good for him as it is for you - bet on success with the resolutions and a sweeter marriage."

Resolve Never Again To Go For The Jugular

Each of us has a vulnerable, exposed spot which hurts very deeply when it's attacked. Your partner's jugular is his or her weakest, most easily wounded place - the worry that scares them the most, the memory that mortifies them, the secret they try to hide from everyone else (maybe it's the fact that he's sometimes impotent, or he flunked out of college, or his dad spent some time in jail).

Who knows the location of this sensitive spot better than anyone else in the world? You do. During an argument, when you dig him with the remark that hurts so intensely, he cringes with pain. You know you've got him. It feels like you've won. But, you haven't.

"When you go for the remark that torments your partner the most, you destroy the trust that's been built in your relationship," says Dr. Hargrave. "The harsh thing that comes out of your mouth in ten seconds of anger so weakens your marriage, it can take six months-if ever-to build it up again."

"Announce ringingly to your husband that he's disgustingly fat, or tell him he's always been a lousy lover," adds Dr. Carle, "and you can never unring that bell. You do irrevocable harm and you're going to end up in my office."

But, how do you change your habit of hitting each other where it hurts? One way, says Dr. Hargrave, is to use the tool of visualization. Think of your partner as something fragile like a vase or a flower. When you do damage to that fragile thing, it cannot be repaired. Words damage. Do you really want to do permanent harm to your partner? Also, try visualizing the results of a violent verbal battle. You may get in a zinger or two but chances are, your partner will get back at you with some powerful zingers of his own. Permanent damage all around.

Another wonderful thing to do is set aside time for a serious conversation on self-restraint, says psychologist Blaine Fowers, Ph.D., associate professor in the Counseling Psychology program at the University of Miami, and author of Beyond The Myth Of Marital Happiness(Jossey-Bass, 2000).

"Talk about how hard it is to hold back on vicious assaults on each other. Talk about how your mutual lack of self-restraint has made your marriage a game of one-upmanship to get the best of each other. Then, ask your partner if he feels he's really had a victory, when you've been wounded. Ask yourself the same thing. The answer is always no."