30 Negative Communication Patterns and Attitudes

From Amy Waterman

According to Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, "The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success."

It's not the differences in opinions and preferences that matter; what matters is how those differences are dealt with and resolved.

This requires strong communication skills, skills that few couples develop before it's too late. Once a marriage has broken down, neither partner feels inclined to communicate or open up to the other person.

Markman's solution is to teach constructive arguing techniques before a couple marries, but that doesn't help the millions of couples out there with advanced marital problems.

Are You a Good Communicator?

If, as Markman claims, 30% to 50% of couples are mutually abusive, or respond to verbal or emotional abuse with like abuse, then it's little wonder that so many marriages are dysfunctional.

Do you have any negative communication patterns or attitudes? Check any that fit you from the list below.

- I act defensively when my spouse brings up any criticism of me or our marriage.

- I always have to be right.

- I always talk about the negative side of things; it's more realistic.

- I avoid conflict by turning off emotionally.

- I blame my spouse if it is his or her fault.

- I bring up the past in arguments.

- I criticize my spouse in front of others.

- I don't ask for what I want directly. If my spouse loved me, he or she would read my mind.

- I don't believe that I have to do everything I promise to do.

- I don't have to be respectful to my spouse. We're married, so we can treat each other as we like.

- I don't share everything with my spouse and keep my feelings to myself.

- I don't tell my spouse everything. Secrets are okay.

- I find it difficult to say, "I'm sorry."

- I find it hard to wait to speak until my spouse has finished talking.

- I let conflicts last for days or sometimes months.

- I mock or ridicule my spouse.

- I never forget anything my spouse has done to me.

- I often find myself raising my voice when I disagree with my spouse.

- I often talk over my spouse.

- I resent my spouse for comments that he or she has made in the past.

- I tease my spouse in ways that my spouse finds upsetting.

- I want to win every argument, not reach a solution.

- I'm afraid that sharing my most personal thoughts with my spouse will allow him or her to abuse them (such as by ridiculing me or by sharing them with others).

- If my spouse misinterprets what I said, I get angry.

- If something that my spouse does bothers me, we have an argument about it.

- My attention often wanders when my spouse is talking to me.

- My spouse is too sensitive to what I say.

- When I don't feel like talking about something, I end up getting angry.

- When my spouse doesn't know anything about a topic, I let him or her know it.

- When we have an argument, I often end up yelling, crying, or storming out of the house.

It is hard to create an environment of positive, loving communication when you've never experienced that kind of environment yourself. People who grew up in dysfunctional families with negative communication patterns often find themselves falling into those same behaviors themselves when they get married. Nevertheless, bad communication can destroy a marriage.

If you can...

- Replace criticism with praise,

- Replace accusations with attempts at understanding,

- Replace talking with listening,

- Replace defensiveness with openness, and

- Replace silence with sharing,

...you'll be amazed at the difference it makes in your marriage.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens