Here is the personal history of Gary Chapman. Sometimes it's really helpful to know where a person has come from in order to benefit from their advice..

My Personal Journey
 
By Dr. Gary Chapman
 
I held undergraduate and graduate degrees in anthropology and had one year of graduate theological studies before I got married. I was madly in love with Karolyn and could hardly wait to be as happy as I was sure I was going to be after marriage.
 
Our conflicts emerged early in our marriage. We both were taken by surprise at the depth of our feelings of hurt and anger toward each other. How could the feelings we had while dating have evaporated so quickly after the wedding? We had many arguments with few resolutions, and in time I began to be plagued with the thought that I had married the wrong person.
 
All the while I was continuing my theological studies in preparation to be a pastor. But the chasm between my vocational objective and the nature of our marital relationship was ever widening. I was having difficulty imagining how I could offer hope to others when I felt so hopeless in my own marriage.
 
As the day drew nearer when I would complete my graduate studies and be forced to leave the ivory tower of academia and enter the real world, I became more and more frustrated with Karolyn, and with God. In my frustration, I lashed out at God and blamed him for getting me into an unworkable marriage. After all, hadn't I prayed and asked for his guidance before I got married? All those prayers seemed to make no difference at all. I was mad at God and didn't know how I could be one of his ministers.
 
I remember the day when I said to God: "I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I know to do, and things aren't getting any better. In fact they seem to be getting worse."
 
When I finished the prayer, there came to my mind a visual image from a story in the Bible. This story tells of the night before Jesus was hung on the cross, when he was celebrating the Jewish festival of the Passover with his closest followers. At one point Jesus shocked the men at the table by getting up, pouring water into a basin, and washing each of their feet in turn. This act of service was usually reserved for the lowliest slaves, since it was an unpleasant task. Yet Jesus, the leader of the group and their Lord, deliberately performed this humble, loving act of servanthood for his friends.
 
With that image in my mind, in my heart I knew I was hearing God's answer to my prayer: "That is the problem in your marriage. You don't have the attitude of Christ toward your wife." 
 
This encounter with God moved me deeply because I had found the answer.
 
My attitude in the early days of our marriage could be encapsulated by the words I had been repeatedly saying in one form or another to my wife: "Look, I know how to have a good marriage. If you will listen to me, we will have one."  Karolyn would not "listen to me," and I blamed her for our poor marriage.
 
But that day I heard a different message. The problem was not Karolyn, the problem was my attitude. So I said to God, "Please forgive me. Give me the attitude of Christ toward my wife. Teach me how to serve her as Jesus served his followers."
 
In retrospect, that was the greatest prayer I ever prayed about my marriage because God changed my heart.
 
A whole new vista opened in my mind, and I saw myself playing a totally different role in our marriage.
 
I was no longer to be the king, barking out orders to my wife and announcing my expectations of her. Instead, I would give myself to acts of love and kindness designed to enrich her life and encourage her to become the person she was designed to be.
 
Three questions made all this practical for me. They are simple questions, but they gave me the information I needed to become a lover toward my wife:
 
What can I do to help you today?
 
How can I make your life easier?
 
How can I be a better husband to you? 

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Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Based on his book, Love As a Way of Life. Published by Waterbrook Publishing, copyright 2007.
 
Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of many books. To learn more about his two major relationship building tools, click on these links: