"We Need To Talk," The Dreaded Words
By Dr. Don Ferguson
Why do men fear these four little words? Why do these words arouse the same protective responses that occur in physical life threatening situations?
She says: "We need to talk."
He hears: "I want to rip you open emotionally and describe all the ways in which you are a failure. This should take about four hours and afterwards I will probably not be speaking to you and certainly not touching you." (Okay, I may be exaggerating this terror a bit, or perhaps not.)
When feeling physically threatened or attacked, a man's fight-or-flight response steps in to protect him. This physical reaction, in which the body prepares to fight or run away, works to make his body maximally efficient. Similarly, his brain breaks survival down into a simple decision: Run away and avoid conflict or attack and defeat the aggressor. When in physical danger, these instincts are appropriate. His brain doesn't get muddled with thoughts about organization, planning, self-evaluation, empathy, truth, beauty etc., because these things would slow his reaction. In a physical threat such delay could mean a disaster.
When stressed out, or when feeling threatened or betrayed by a woman, such as in a verbal fight, men react similarly by their instincts. Unfortunately, the parts of the brain that shut down are exactly those most needed in effective communications. The higher level skills listed above, including the ability to think about the consequences of our actions, are unavailable.
Remember, in fight-or-flight mode the brain is only able to handle simple, black-and-white concepts: Good bad, love - hate, stay go, is as much as the brain can handle.
Men and women stereotypically deal with conflict and communication in different ways. Men tend to be more focused on solving problems whereas women are more often willing to process and think through the various levels of a problem, including all the associated feelings.
But in a dispute, differing communication styles get labeled as good or bad. If a partner wants to talk about feelings, she is seen as overly sensitive, and if he wants to move quickly to decisions, he is unfeeling and controlling.
A man may experience a partner's upset as dangerous or as an attack on himself. His reactive brain will demand that he either defend himself or "fix her," in order to gain some relief. He offers ideas and solutions. These are rejected, not because they are bad ideas, but because she has not perceived him as listening, or perhaps, not respecting that she has good ideas of her own. Already in fight-or-flight mode, he will feel injured, dismissed, unimportant. He will then shut down, leave, or counter-attack and this is interpreted by her that he doesn't care. She says: "Why don't you ever want to talk to me?"
The first goal in a marital disagreement is not to solve the problem. You must first create safety and predictability so that the higher brain capacities can come out and play. Time limits, written agendas, clarifying needs and problem areas, will help you organize your thoughts. A commitment to hear a partner out without jumping in to defend yourself may not only make her feel cared for, but may also give you new information about her needs. Softer ways of starting discussions may also be helpful. If the phrase, "We need to talk," immediately raises defenses then, "When can we schedule some time together?" may be a less difficult beginning.
What is experienced as calming when facing a disagreement will be different for each couple. If you break up old rhythms of negative communication, you are in your best position to again become curious and attentive with one another.
Don Ferguson, Ph.D.
Author: Reptiles In Love: Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships.
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