"Falling In Love" Is Not Love At All

By Gary Chapman

Falling in love is a euphoric experience. We become emotionally obsessed with each other. We wake up thinking about them. All day long they are on our minds. The person who is in love has the illusion that his beloved is perfect. Her mother can see his flaws, but she can't. His friends will say, "Have you considered.....?" But he hasn't and he won't because he is in love. 

What no one has told us is that this euphoric experience is temporary. We have been led to believe that if we are really "in love" it will last forever. The fact is, it will last for about 2 years. Then you will realize that what your mother said was true. What your friends tried to tell you was real. Why can't we listen before we leap? Family and friends are God's gift. Accept the gift. 

The Illusion

The euphoric experience of "falling in love" gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship. We feel that we belong to each other. We feel altruistic toward each other. One young man said "I can't conceive of doing anything to hurt her. My only desire is to make her happy." He believes also that she will make him happy.

Such thinking is fanciful. Not that we are insincere in what we think and feel, but we are unrealistic. We fail to reckon with the reality of human nature. By nature, we are egocentric. Once we come down off the high we begin to assert ourselves. Without the help of God, marriage will become a battlefield. It's time to pray. 

Is It Love?

Some researchers have concluded that what we call "falling in love" is not love at all. For three reasons:

  1. Falling in love is not an act of the will or conscious choice. It just happens to you.

  2. Falling in love is effortless. We do outlandish things with no effort at all.

  3. The in-love experience does not encourage us to help the other person grow. We view them as perfect; no need for growth. 

In the Bible, real love is a choice, requires effort, and seeks the well-being of the other. It may start with euphoric feelings, but when these fall aside, real love will continue. Real love doesn't walk away when the feelings subside. Real love is the foundation for life-long positive relationships.   

Love is a Choice

We are emotional creatures and one of our deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved. When we "fall in love" we think we have found the answer. It is heavenly while it lasts. Our mistake is in thinking that it will last forever. It was not meant to last forever. It is only the introduction to the book. The heart of the book is a love that is far more rational, and volitional.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens