Love Is Like a Mirror

By Steven Stosny, May 21, 2010

When love comes upon us like a springtime rebirth from numbing routine, it can feel like nothing short of a miracle.

Mediated by quasi opiods secreted in the brain, falling in love can mean "walking-on-clouds" in her presence and aching withdrawal symptoms in his absence. And yet intense emotional states, for all their power, are not the miracle of love.

Far more important than how love feels is what loving another person reveals about ourselves.

The only way to discover the self fully is to love someone. Love is the most vivid and compelling mirror of the inner self.

Many of us have a favorite mirror at home, the one we go to in times of vulnerability that gently conceals some of the lines and blemishes. Similarly, we tend to fall in love with those who offer the most benign mirror reflections, the ones that show how generous, open, flexible, passionate, funny, creative, intelligent, successful, and attentive we can be.

Initially the mirror of love creates a narcissistic haze to trick us into thinking we're worthy of being loved.

But sooner or later, the mirror reflects the whole self, including how petty, self-absorbed, ungenerous, rigid, cold, defensive, irritable, needy, dumb, and manipulative we can be.

Its relentless chipping away at the idealized self is a necessary part of love's miracle. However painful it may be, the mirror of love eventually reflects the harsh reality of who we are and that forces us, through trial and error, to grow worthy of being loved.

Becoming Worthy

Looking deeply into a pond reveals the abundance of aquatic life beneath the reflective surface. Looking deeply into the mirror of love, beyond the glare of its reflective surface, unveils the soul of another person, with all its value and vulnerability.

We feel genuinely worthy of love only to the extent that we appreciate and honor the revealed soul of the other and we then experience compassion for whom the person really is, not for whom we want him or her to be.

As long as we remain compassionate, appreciative, and loving - through whatever comes in the relationship: contentment, disappointment, sorrow, even failure of the relationship - the miracle of love transforms us.

We cease to be mere reflections and become abundantly alive.

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Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens