Forgiving Others - What Does It Mean And Why?
By Alex Lickerman, Psychology Today
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?
To my way of thinking, forgiveness involves recognizing that the person who harmed us is more than just the person who harmed us. He or she is in fact, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, a full-fledged human being whose full dimension isn't defined by their foolish decision to harm us in some way (as much as we may wish it were).
At its core I believe forgiveness is an acknowledgment that a person who's harmed us still has the capacity for good.
Forgiveness requires us to view our offender not as malevolent but as confused-so much so that they would actually believe that by harming us they could somehow become happier (though they would almost certainly be incapable of articulating that as the reason). Secondly, forgiving requires us to let go-of our anger; of our desire to punish or teach a lesson; of our need to harm our harmer; of the notion that by choosing to forgive an offense we're in some way condoning an unjust action committed against us or committing an injustice ourselves; of the need for an apology; and of the need for our harmer to change.
For in forgiving another their transgression against us, we're ultimately seeking to free ourselves.
Forgiving, as the saying also goes, doesn't mean forgetting. Nor does it have to mean returning the person we've forgiven to their former status in our lives. It means we move on healed from the hurt that's been done to us.
HOW DOES FORGIVING OTHERS BENEFIT US?
1. Forgiving others is the only way to break a cycle of violence (whether physical or otherwise). As complex as it may be, consider the core reason why the Israeli/Palestinian conflict continues to this day.
2. In order to forgive, we must manifest a life-condition of compassion. In Nichiren Buddhism this is called the life-condition of the bodhisattva, someone whose most pressing concern lies with the happiness of others. Attaining this life-condition benefits no one more than it does us, as it is a condition of joy.
3. In order to forgive we must let go of our anger. If we continue to hold onto anger, it often leaks out against others who've committed no crime against us. As well, it also colors all our experiences, often ruining our ability to feel joy in many aspects of life.
I would suggest only this: that if you find yourself holding onto a grudge against someone who's grievously harmed you, for you to find a way to forgive them. If you become the kind of person who can forgive, it will not only first and foremost benefit you, but ultimately may have the power to transform the life of the person you're forgiving. Not always of course. But sometimes. And if it does, in forgiving them you're not only setting yourself free, you're actually contributing to something of greater importance, something the world is literally crying out for in more places than you could probably name: peace.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens